Invitation To The Tory Party

04 Oct 2015, Manchester, Greater Manchester, England, UK — Manchester, United Kingdom. 4th October 2015 — A Conservative party delegate is egged during the march. — A young conservative party member is egged during the TUC lead anti-austerity demonstration where 100,000 march through Manchester city centre against government austerity plans as the Conservative party conference opens. — Image by © Christopher Middleton/Demotix/Corbis

The invitation got lost in the post

To the Tory party, swine of a host!

 

Invitation to the Tory party ….Busy bursting balloons

Much more fun than entertaining those priviliged goons

Invitation to the Tory party….If it finds it’s way….

to your doormat rip it up without delay

Invitation to the Tory party

They’d love you to join in and get hearty

But it doesn’t pay to mix with criminals

Bull********, f****** useless w****** or the just plain evil

Invitation to the Tory party….The bin’s the place for that

And the next time you see the postman have a friendly chat

Invitation to the Tory party ….Overrated

In fact if i received one i’d be devestated…..

 

Even If I Was A Lesbian I Wouldn’t Want To Suffer K.D Lang

Buying K.d Lang’s “Ingenue” my single biggest regret

I  wonder K.D, did Martina serve up a good omelette

“Constant craving” and “Miss Chateleine”

By far away the best songs she wrote

But apart from that collaboration with Tony Bennet….

what has she done of note

K.D Lang is not an awful person but her music sends me to sleep

The best thing you can do with half her albums is cast them into a garbage heap

And resembling  a young Elvis Presley

Is not a recommendation, believe me

Popular with the “Diesel Dykes” of Montreal

In Canada i’m sure K.D Lang walks tall

K.D Lang’s influence on the easy listening scene you can’t ignore

Even if like me, you find her songs a dreadful bore

I find it rather puzzling…..What does the K.D stand for?

“Wash Me Clean” ,”Still Thrives This love”…….

“Season Of Hollow Soul”, “Tears Of Love” she sang

To be lost in “The Rockies” in sub zero would be bad enough

without suffering K.D Lang

If your car broke down in 12 inches of deep Canadian snow

You would be crying out “Save Me”

Then along comes a truck to tow….

you away to a garage near a grocers shop in town

A lemonade then on your way, cause K.D Lang will drag you down

And you wouldn’t want Neil Young on your car radio or Celine Dion

K.D Lang a role model for 20 something “Lipstick lesbians”

K.D Lang, K.D lang

“Mind Of  Love” she sang

If i’m ever in a kayak, shooting the rapids one cool afternoon

Or in “Medicine hat” how about that….I won’t be humming a K.D Lang tune

LIke Francis Rossi, “Gooners” and cricket fans, K.D Lang has charisma i’m sure

But no offence, if i met her in Calgary, Winnipeg or Moosejaw

I’d just want to have a chat

And leave it at that

Not a f****** encore

K.D Lang karaoke,  “Please no more!”…..

The Beiderbeck Affair

James Bolam in the Beiderbeck Affair

A must for Jazz lovers everywhere

Classic comedy….

drama on ITV

Barbara flynn who delivered the milk in “Open all Hours”

If i met up with her i’d give her a bunch of flowers

And a Jazz c.d in return for a photograph

I’m sure she would be up for a laugh

and a joke

As for James Bolam he’s a likely lad

The Beiderbeck tapes return would make me glad

You can’t beat jazz

“Fever” not razzmatazz

Exidor

The nutter in white robe and sandals who adored Mork

A bit manic was Exidor boy, he could talk

He fancied MIndy she wasn’t too keen on him

I saw the guy as a survivor not a victim

Exidor, loveable Exidor

With all that charisma…not a bore

Exidor and Mork they formed a special bond

I have to say of Exidor, i am extremely fond….

Johnny English 1+2

Natalie Imbruglia’s character teaching Johnny

an acquired skill…the correct way to eat sushi

Agent Bough got  a nose bleed

Johnny English bound to succeed

Johnny English hasty retreat to a Buddhist monastry

After the tragic incident with the African President ended in catastrophe

But Johnny and his trusty young colleague will no doubt save the day

M.I.5 agents don’t want orange squash black momma…It’s not child’s play…….

Saving the world from a perilous fate at the hands of a  dangerous mole

AS for Pascal Sauvage in johnny English 1 ..Rotten was his soul

 

If You Think Deptford’s Bad…The Elephant’s Just Sad!

Deptford is full of hard nut yobs

Racist, queer bashing, beer swilling slobs

However if you think Deptford’s bad a short bus ride and you’re in for a shock

For Elephant and Castle is just a carbuncle of  a shopping arcade and Tower blocks

I was born in South London….

But that’s a dangerous part of town

And i can’t afford Greenwich

And certainly not Dulwich

Maybe just south of Rotherhithe

Where the Norwegians do thrive

To revisit the place of my birth Clapham, i would be glad

But if you think Deptford’s awful, The Elephant’s just sad…

 

The Cow Shed

I used to eat cheese ’til the cows come home

Now  i photograph fields where they do roam

I used to love St.Agur i thought it was the best

But i forsake it, for i don’t want a cardiac arrest

I used to gorge myself on Cheddar

Feta, Port Salut, Brie, Camembert

Gouda, Red Leicester

Edam, Double Gloucester

Snap the countryside with a Nikon if you please

Snap the  dormouse in the farmhouse….Say Cheese!

WIth plenty of grass the cow must be fed

Then straight off  she goes to the cow  shed

 

 

A Break From Poetry (part3-Jokes)

What do you call a scouser in a suit? the accused

+Thanks to an asian guy from Preston lancashire for that joke

Why did the jews wander the desert for 40 years? someone dropped a quid

Jesus went into the Red Lion in West Ham he approached a man with a limp…he touched him on the leg…The man started dancing

Then Jesus put down his glass of claret and approached a deaf man

He put his hands on his ears all of a sudden the man could hear the jukebox “Yes!”

Then Jesus approached a man with his arm in a sling and a patch over one eye ……….He screamed at Christ “Go away! Go away! I’ll lose all my benefits!”

One sheep to another in a pub in Cardiff

“What was that welshman like in bed?”

“Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!”

Hitler turned up at The Pearly gates …Jesus answered the door

Hitler said  “If you let me in i’ll give you this Iron cross”

Jesus said “You killed thousands of jews go away”

HItler was persistent “Don’t you want an iron cross?”

Jesus hesitated “Wait there”

Jesus went off to see his Dad..”God, Hitler’s at the door he says if i let him in he’ll give me an iron cross”

God  (In his Brian Blessed voice:) “An Iron cross! You couldn’t carry a wooden one you kept dragging it!”

The pissed darts player ……..Fatal rebound “One nun dead and 80!”

What do you call a scotsman and a jew walking down the road? a pair of tights!

Dave to Clive in East Ham “You’d laugh to see a blind man fall over”

Clive “Who do you think it was who pushed him”

Flash Floods

Flash floods in Yorkshire get the sandbags out

The south coast will suffer next no doubt

Those lucky londoners

Saved by the thames barrier

More perilous days and nights to endure

In the coming days more rain to fall i’m sure

Storms heading to this small island Flash flood

Gale force winds fell trees ….Cars stranded in the mud

Cameron pretends he cares

But he has nothing to worry about

He can always beat a hasty retreat in his helicopter, no doubt

Be home in time to watch Downtown Abbey repeats

Then next day the battered coastal people will take to the streets

Flash floods

Pensioners soaked in mud

Flash floods…………