El Classico (Sunday 23rd March 2014)


el classico
Listened to El Classico
on my radio
Real Madrid 3 Barca 4.Messi, sublime
Sergi Ramos sent off for the 19th time
A 3 way battle
for the Spanish title
What a pulsating game
This is not St.Mirren v Motherwell
These are all household names
El Classico, El Classico, absorbing and thrilling
When The Galacticos host Barca it lives up to top billing
El Classico rarely disappoints

Born In The Year Of The Tiger


Anni was born in 1986. she lived in a shack
She had a tiger tattoo all the way down her back
When a boyfriend robbed her blind
Him, she set out to find
Vengeance, the only thing on her mind
She had a feeling, where she might find her ex-boyfriend, Li
So, on her brother Wan’s motorbike, she headed for the city
She went to a few of his favourite haunts
A couple of bars and a downtown restaurant
She approached a stranger, drinking a beer
She wasn’t worried, for he seemed sincere
“I’m looking for a man…
who goes by the name of Li Tan!”
He said “I know of Li”
“He lives upstairs at number 3”
Li was taking it easy
Drinking beer and watching t.v
He heard a noise–Anni had kicked down his front door
She stared at him “You robbed me Li, you’re gonna get yours!”
He threw a punch–But Boy! Her reactions were quick
She dodged the punch and countered with a kung fu kick!
Li, he was quite simply taken aback
with the speed and brutality of her attacks
But with menacing expression on his face
He had her confronted in a tight space
He was convinced he had her where he wanted her
But Anni….She was calm under pressure

He shoved her against a wall
But she kicked him in the testicles!
Which brought tears to his eyes
Next up, came the surprise
“Fist Of Fury” aimed at his head
He was dazed and disorientated
Now Li, he was as strong as an ox
But he took a few too many knocks…
Fell to the floor with a thud
His face covered in his own blood
Li, he was battered—But just about alive
Anni left before the police could arrive!

When Terror Came To Boston (April 2013)


Runners competing in the marathon
Running through the heart of Boston
Excited spectators watching on
All of a sudden an explosion
In the chaos hundreds fled
Dozens injured at least 3 dead
It made the front cover of national newspapers today
Barack Obama says he’ll find the culprits and make them pay
When terror came to Boston
Just like 9/11
When terror came to Boston
When terror came to Boston

Norah Went To Norway


Norah went to Norway
To marvel at the Astrup Fearnley gallery
Norah went to Norway
And fell in love with the Fjords, breath taking scenery
Norah went to Norway
Cause a change is as good as a rest
Norah went to Norway
She dug the cuisine of Hammerfest
Norah went to Norway
With her brother Steve
Norah went to Norway
They did not want to leave
Norah went to Norway.

Stephen And Jane



Jane was so cruel-She couldn’t resist
telling her boyfriend Santa didn’t exist
And one day when he went out to the bank
He came back to find an empty fish tank
That fish supper to whet her appetite
The look on her face,one of sheer delight
So Stephen
thought he’d get even
The next morning she woke….and instead
of snuggling up to her lover…..a snake in her bed!
She screamed,jumped up in the air
got dressed quickly and ran downstairs
She confronted her boyfriend “Stephen,i swear….
if I never see you again–I don’t care!”
And that
was that

Germinal Beerschot


Germinal Beerschot, Why did you sell out and change your name?
to K.F.C Beerschot.’Though I’d visit your fine stadium all the same
You may never achieve a level of success or fame
But still,i wouldn’t mind taking in a home game
Make a routine stop
Purchase a shirt from your clubshop
to add to my collection
That’s 75 and countin’
Germinal Beerschot
I bet I’d love your mascot
Germinal Beerschot, Germinal Beerschot
I’m sure your fans are a devoted lot
Germinal Beerschot, we loyal fans follow
We don’t mind living in Royal Antwerp’s shadow
Or Anderlecht, Club Brugge, Standard Liege either
Relaxing after a 2 nil win with a beer
It would have to be “Stella Artois” of course
After a night game where you sung yourselves hoarse
K.F.C Beerschot you may now well be
But you’ll always be Germinal Beerschot to me!

The Baader Meinhof



Their ideals so good, their methods so bad
Now they’re all locked up. I have to say I’m glad
Life in prison. Extremely tough
But it’s a fitting end for The Baader Meinhof
They could have made a difference in this world. What a pity
That they acted out such cowardly violence….Still I loved the d.v.d
And some of their frauleins were rather sexy
The Baader Meinhof
The Baader Meinhof…..

Family Guy


family guy

Though somewhat lacking in style
And some of the humour, just plain juvenile
I have to admit
I love every minute… of family guy
Family Guy, Family Guy
Oh how I love Family Guy
Cause its better to laugh than cry
Family Guy is just great TV
On its own its almost worth the license fee
Family Guy, Family Guy…

My Mate Marmite



Some people love cricket

And hate Marmite

Some people hate cricket

And love Marmite

Then there are those who love both

Or hate both

“I’ll never kill myself over a woman!” He said

“But if you nick my jar of Marmite, I might kill you instead!”

He loved the black syrupy stuff

Three slices of toast aint enough… to satisfy his craving

“I’m in paradise! Sound the trumpets!”

“Scoffing Marmite on ADSA crumpets!”

He burst into song “Marmite mania…

It’s even spread to the hills of Romania”

One night he was tossing and turning in his bed

His wife she turned to him and said

“For goodness’ sake, whats all the commotion?!”

“I was dreaming of a Marmite ocean!”

“Then all of a sudden a drought!”

“What a nightmare!”

“I really don’t know what you’re on about”

“And I cant say I really care”

“All it is, is yeast extract”

“Honey, if you only knew the facts”

He went into the kitchen to relax

With a jar of Marmite….. and the radio

7am his council tax bill came in the post

He threw it on the fire and had some more toast!

Beethoven Lives Upstairs+(Canadian Film)



Ludwig Van Beethoven

Had manic depression

And was deaf half his life

Lonely too, never took a wife

He wrote some of the best music ever

In the beautiful backdrop of Vienna

Beethoven ,I’m sure, would have loved ABBA, Hendrix, ELO and U.2

Ludwig Van Beethoven, they even named a crater on Mercury after you

The ultimate tribute, I think you’ll agree

From “Moonlight Sonatas” to “The 9th Symphony”

If I had a dog, I’d call him Beethoven

Tracey Emin’s Art


tracey bed

Tracey Emin’s art is shit!
You’ve got more money than sense if you buy it
An unmade bed nominated for the Turner Prize. Really?!
To proper artists everywhere, that’s just plain silly
What it says to the average bloke
Is that the world of modern art’s a joke
Tracey Emin’s art belongs not in some posh gallery
But on a council tip…..That’s all I have to say, really

Diamond Geezer



“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
And Neil would know all about that
To the Diamond geezer, I take off my hat
For his
truly is…”A Beautiful Noise”
He appeals to girls and boys
The Diamond geezer
“A Jazz Singer”
is the Diamond geezer
The Jewish boy who hails from Brooklyn, New York
“Money talks, but it can’t sing and dance and it can’t walk”
The Diamond Geezer
is “Forever…In blue jeans”

Untitled Poem



A strange kind of sickness has come over me
It must be…love
I feel sudden urges to write poetry
It must be…love
When she takes down her posters of Man.U
And replaces them all with photos of you
It must be…love
I’ve been seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses
Hardly noticing as another week passes
It must be…love
The other day I popped out and bought her flowers
Then we chatted on the telephone for hours
It must be…love
Friday, in the front row of the cinema
I grabbed her and started removing her bra
It must be lust!

Spread a Little Happiness



Spread a little happiness. Spread a little joy
Make this world a better place for every girl and boy
Rich man give some of your money away
Forget your needs. Do a good deed today
Tell a stranger a joke
Buy your best friend a “Coke”
Israeli soldier lay down your gun
and hug a Palestinian
If that dog annoys you don’t kick him in the head!
Pat him and throw him a bone instead
Cause a dog is man’s best friend
His loyalty knows no end

Spread a little happiness. Ease a lil pain
Give that girl your brolly in the pouring rain
Reach out to the sick. Reach out to the blind
The warmth you get back from them will blow your mind!
Spread a little happiness. Be man–kind
Spread a little happiness. Spread a little cheer
Gung hay fat choy or “Happy New Year”

Lady Luck



Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
I could use a change of fortune, see
Lady Luck smile on me, ‘cause I have been a good boy
Lady Luck send some good fortune for me to enjoy
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck roll your dice
2 sixes would be nice
On the Roulette wheel of life it would be nice if I could win
Lady Luck you can make nice things start happenin’…for me
All my life felt I was jinxed
But then I don’t know what Lady Luck thinks
Maybe she’s got somethin’ nice in store for me
Lady Luck won’t you smile down on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me

Why Not? (Manhattan Carnival)



“Gloria”, “Walk In Love”, “Java Jive” and “Scotch and Soda”
Has there ever been a vocal group like The Manhattan Transfer?
“On A little Street In Singapore”
And the all time classic “Chanson D’amour”
“Another Night In Tunisia”
“Smile Again” and “Stomp Of King Porter”
“Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square”
“Don’t Let Go”, “Je Voulais Te Dire”
Fantastic songs
They linger long…in the memory
Their unique harmony
will entertain generations to come, like generations past
Cause one thing’s for sure quality always lasts
Long live The Manhattan Transfer!

The Girl Who Burns With Love



Her name
is Flame
In bed, she’s red hot
The charms she’s got
She burns with love–Don’t doubt her passion
You’ll find she warms up after a fashion
She’s red hot, like the Equator
To abandon her would devastate her
But she won’t be lonely for long
She’ll soon find a man to right her wrongs
You shouldn’t ever question her desire
She wants a man to extinguish her fire
The girl who burns with love
She knows love is a two-way street
not a cul-de-sac
If her, you were lucky enough to meet
you’d want her in the sack
and you’d feel like you won the lottery, Jack
Her name
is Flame
and she burns with love…

Cat Stuck Up a Tree


cat in tree

Cat stuck up a tree. Goes by the name of Marmalade
Cat stuck up a tree. Someone call the Fire Brigade
Cat stuck up a tree. Climbing up there was a whole lotta fun
’til he got stuck. Don’t worry kitty, soon have you down, son
For Marmalade, being the centre of attention was a blast
Now he’s back on terra firma. Head indoors for a bowl of milk, fast
Cat stuck up a tree
A front page story
in sleepy rural town rag
Cat stuck up a tree
for Marmalade, what a drag!

The Evil Clown



When the evil clown
hits your town…you just can’t wait
When the evil clown
hits your town…you celebrate
A chance to pig out. Eat huge burgers soaked in grease
Is it any wonder that a third of Americans are obese?
And now chronic obesity has spread to British shores
The evil clown and his nasty brand of cheap labour
And so harmful for the environment
That this clown’s so popular is a big disappointment
Ronald Macdonald, don’t wanna see your happy, smiley face
Ronald Macdonald you are an absolute fucking disgrace!

St. John’s Wood



St. John’s Wood, popular with millionaires
But for St. John’s Wood, I really do not care
There’s not even much to photograph there
Yes, life in St. John’s Wood, I just couldn’t stick it
There’s nothing to do there, unless you love cricket!
St. John’s Wood really is no good
A World Cinema would add to the neighbourhood
A good CD shop or a decent Art Gallery
You won the lottery and bought a place there…really!
You must love boredom!
St. John’s Wood
is no good

The Iberian Peninsula



I’d love to tour the Iberian Penninsula
on a train one day, take lots of good pictures
and sell them all for 50 bucks each
Spend the odd hour lying on a beach
In the grip of a depression. Can’t get no release
In the Iberian Penninsula I could find some peace
Strolling through the galleries and market stalls
Of bustling cities in Spain and Portugal
would be just great
So much better than this current state…I find myself in

The People of Zimbabwe



Open your hearts for the people of Zimbabwe
For it can’t be easy living under Mugabe
and his tyrannical reign
Inflation rocketing again
How much is a loaf of bread this week?
Life for the citizens of Zimbabwe is bleak
The developed nations cannot turn a deaf ear
Continue to ignore what is happening there
The people of Zimbabwe
We hear about your plight on our TV
I signed a petition once in The Strand
We need others out there to make a stand
With Mugabe,we need to get tough
A united effort. Enough is enough
Then the people of Zimbabwe
Will once again be free

The Land of the Rip-Off Merchants



If it was down to W.H.Smith
England would not be the land of the free
But the land of the expensive!
95p for a biro–You’re havin’ a laugh!
Their staff are not particularly friendly either
helpful or indeed knowledgeable
Maybe I’m ignorant when it comes to economics
But I simply don’t understand how…
cheaper shops with better trained staff
have gone under years ago
While W.H.Smith survive every recession
A nagging feeling that W.H.Smith will still be
ripping people off in 50 years’ time
Unless of course, there’s a nuclear war before then!
W.H.Smith, you give retail a bad name!

Tictacs, Not Tactics +



They’re trying to make a simple game complicated
With their 4–4–2s,4—5–1 or 4–3–3s
talk of “Diamond” formations and “Christmas trees”
There should be no place in “The Beautiful Game” for dull and stuffy tactics
Just stick it in the “Onion Bag” and leave the rest to the academics
Games are not won or lost on the chalkboard
All this technical bullshit just leaves me bored!
As for Tictacs, I like the green ones and the orange ones!

+ mints

A Day in The Priory



Woke up in The Priory
Nothing on TV
except horse racing and some dull black and white movie
At St. Clements no beds
So got sent here instead
In this picturesque setting
The 5 star treatment I’m getting
How privileged I am to stay in The Priory
The temporary home of many a celebrity
What can I say?
‘though only here for a day
Then get the tube to my flat in Aldgate East
I’m rather disappointed to say the least
Would have liked a longer stay
But it was great anyway
Everyone deserves luxury now and then…

(The Priory in Roehampton, South London)

Up a Lazy River



Up a lazy river with you
Sharing a pear cider or two
You topless, soakin’ in the sun
Our thoughts soon turn to adult fun
Cause I’m a man of the world
And you babe, ain’t a nun!
Floatin’ up a lazy river with you
I don’t really care where we’re headin’ to
Up a lazy river with you
Relaxed, takin’ in the view
This day I will never forget
We make short work of the picnic basket
Up a lazy river with you
Gene Vincent on Radio 2
As the sailboat heads for the river bend
Soon this glorious summer adventure will end
I’ll head back to my home and my college books
But I’ll always remember the girl with the film star looks!…

The Brylcreem Days



He recalls with fondness, the Brylcreem days
When going to a drive-in movie was the craze
With a stunning gal on his arm
He reassured her she’d come to no harm
For, she’d heard he was a wild boy
The 1950s he did enjoy
Buddy Holly and Gene Vincent at The High School Disco
He’d dance with Mary Lou, from Cleveland, Ohio
Oh! How he loved The Brylcreem days
Alas, now they’re just a blurred haze
As for Mary Lou, his red hot teenage lover
He married her and now she’s a grandmother
The Brylcreem days
The Brylcreem days…

Formula One



Those Formula One cars go so very fast
A blur at Silverstone. Damon Hill just went passed
Michael Schumacher: So good in the rain
There he is on the podium again
Drowning everyone with champagne
I used to enjoy watching the exploits of Nikki Lauda
Alain Prost, Nelson Piquet and the hilarious Murray Walker
in the 80s. But I don’t watch Formula One anymore
Cause there’s no overtaking in it now. It’s become a bore!

Van Der Valk



Van Der Valk: Fighting crime is his passion
Just a shame about that 70s fashion!
In the land of windmills
There’s enough thrills
in every episode to keep you watching
Another murderous plot unravelling
For, Van Der Valk is indeed a clever copper
Played so well by the late Barry Foster
And his sidekick, the young, enthusiastic Kroon
The murder case solved by late afternoon
Then return home to Arlette, his beautiful wife
Classical vinyl and fine home cooking…Quite a life…
Van Der Valk does lead
And he always succeeds
‘Though he ruffles a few feathers,including that,of his boss
And some of his cases perplexing,but not a dead loss
For, the persistent, cigar smoking, Van Der valk
Will always find a way to make the villains talk
Van Der Valk, Van Der Valk
A mountain of paperwork…
And a visit to the morgue, later that day,no doubt
For, this is what a Commissariss’s routine is about
Van Der Valk,i have no regrets
purchasing your boxset
Quality TV in my living room
And what’s more, a hummable theme tune!

And Now…The Weather



Zeinab Badawi, Zeinab Badawi
You brightened up dull days in the 80s
And made me forget
getting soaking wet…
3 times in one week
You were fantastic
A ray of sunshine
I wanted you to be mine
All teenage boys do, is fantasize
I guess that’s why, they’ll never be worldly wise
African Princess, I loved you to bits
If you’d been my lover I’d have let you squeeze my zits!
I’d have taken you to “Pizza Hut” in Swindon
Zeinab Badawi: A stunningly beautiful woman
I saw you on TV
only recently
I have to say, you’ve aged well
In your 50s now, but still look swell
Zeinab Badawi
Zeinab Badawi

What Love Means To Her



Miss, have you ever been in love?
Of course you have. It’s what you dream of
You build yourself Castles In The Air
When love’s around, you wish you were there
She’s been in love so many times
And to her, it’s so sublime
And not at all surreal
She likes the way it makes her feel
Love, to her, is an exotic place
Or indeed a smiling face
This is what love means to her…

Surreal Poem (Part One)



I’d like to be thrown by a bull in a rodeo
Or go back to ol’ England and visit a freak show!
I’d like to meet up with knights so bald
That’s why they wore helmets, I’m told
Fighting fire breathing dragons
at feminist conventions!
I’d like to turn blue in the freezing cold
I’d like to be still chasing skirt when I’m old
I’d like to be a cowboy in The Wild West
Chasing Red Indians, it’s what they do best
Not some cowboy plumber with tattoos and man breasts
I’d like to be a maniac. I’d like to be obsessed
I’d like to be a fly on the wall
listening in on government secrets in Whitehall
Or stay in a “Trusthouse Forte” on the middle east roadmap
Watch a Spanish league game that’s absolutely crap!
I’d like to be a fire eater or a circus clown
Or some drunken lunatic chased out of town!
Not being cruel or even unkind
But as long as it’s a Welsh town, I really wouldn’t mind
I’d like to be a bandit robbing a stagecoach
I’d like to be a sewer rat or a cockroach
Get some crummy hotel or hospital as well
Closed down for good. That would be just swell
I’d like to dine Haute Cuisine in a “Greasy Spoon”
Or run over “Mickey Mouse” in a car–toon
I’d like to take a black and white photograph
Of The Loch Ness Monster in Dagenham, for a laugh
Finally, I’d like to tap dance and fall in the sink!
Go to Hull city centre and film the missing link!

The Ballad of Moscow



(written in 2008)

Poor ol’ John Terry slipped in the rain
Down the King’s Road they felt his pain
All those yuppies crying in their beer
Dreaming they’d win it next year
Roman Abrahamovich
can’t help but feel sick
Chelsea’s Champion’s league obsession
While Man. U’s players lead a victory procession
Man. U, Man. U
We love you
Man. U, Man. U
Chelsea feeling blue

The Aliens are Coming



A fleet of UFOs fills the blue skies
While down below, people run for their lives
“Quick, hide in the barn, warn the children too”
“Phone the authorities, they’ll know what to do”
Some villagers are gathering up arms”
and moving the livestock off of their farms
to a place of safety, nearby
The armed forces arrive, with missiles in tow
A direct hit! They come crashing below

Jim’s sitting on a hill, smoking his cannabis
and wondering what to make of all this
How can we make such rash judgements already
These aliens from afar, could be friendly
The aliens are coming, followed by an unruly rabble
The aliens are coming, I wonder if they play “Scrabble!”

Ode to Eric


Eric Cantona

Just who is this Eric Cantona?
Footballer, painter and filmstar
This legend
of The Stretford End
who soared like a seagull in the air
to nod home a Giggs cross while the goalie clutched thin air
What next for the man, who kung fu kicked a “Palace” yob into row J
and had his name plastered across the tabloids the very next day
This gallic genius
wouldn’t go amiss
in any football hall of fame
At Old Trafford, they still sing his name
I’d have loved to seen Eric as a “Match Of The Day” pundit
Boring Lineker can choke on his crisps! Eric, you’ve got it (charisma, that is)
Or one day take the reins at Man.U
But the New York Cosmos job beckoned too
What next for King Eric, a “Palme d’or”
Or literary prize, Eric knows the score

Rendezvous in Dagenham



I swear the girl from Essex couldn’t be much dumber
Said she preferred Donor Kebab to Donna Summer!
And she never really cared for me anyway
She’s rather watch the “soaps” or head for St. Tropez
for a rip-off fake tan
I’d be better off with this beer can
Cause where there’s no trust
Just carnal lust…ain’t good
And her madness it never ends!
So I left her and her silly friends
and caught the bus home…

The Metropolitan Line+



Oh how I love The Metropolitan line
Goes all the way to Watford. How divine!
Not to mention Baker Street and The Barbican
Or watch England win at Wembley stadium
Yes, the purple line can’t be beat
And you can always get a seat
Be it Christmas, rush hour or pub closing time
I never knew tube travel could be so sublime
I boarded it at Aldgate sometime last year
Found a brand-new “Big Issue” and a full can of beer!

+Written several years ago

Little Boy in the Candy Store



A little boy in the candy store
Chocolate, sweets and lollipops galore
They also sell
biscuits as well
Bourbons, Garibaldi and Custard Creams
This place is a virtual palace of dreams
The white mice
looked so nice
The licorice
on the dish
Then there’s the fizzy Cola bottles and Smarties
Alas, the boy has only got a few pennies
But the kindly shopkeeper puts him at ease
“You can have an assortment for 20p!”
“And I’ll throw in a biscuit too”
“Which one, is up to you”
“And remember to tell your friends where my shop is”
“Cause you need all the help you can get, when you’re in business”
The little boy left straight away
And brought 3 of his pals ’round the next day

+ Set in the 70s

The Brainy Chick



You’ve read Alexander Dumas
And you’ve been to The Sorbonne
I have to say brainy chicks
don’t usually turn me on
But there’s something about you
Can’t get you out of my head
You’ve never given me reason to doubt you
And I’d like you in my bed
You can speak 7 different languages, including Cantonese
You’re a high powered lawyer representing refugees
Now, I know our half-baked immigration policy is a mess
But to be honest babe, I like you best when you’re under duress
It brings out the best in you
You’re looking to release all that nervous tension
Come back to my place is my suggestion
I’ll put a Motown record on
Heavy Metal or Elton John
You’re such a brainy chick…’Fraid i can’t compete
I need to win a “Scrabble” league….Cause you got me beat
Then before I know it, I’ll be on “Easy Street”
French girl, Oh! French girl, you’ve made my life complete
As Deborah Harry would say
How about some French kissing in the U.K
OK, she actually said the U.S.A
But I don’t live in Boston…And poetic license goes a long way

The Cruyff Turn



The Cruyff turn, the Cruyff turn

One, the kids will have forgotten to learn

Jordi Cruyff an apallingly bad case of nepotism

You wouldn’t have to be a football boffin of into such scepticism….

to see that

Jordi is a prat

The 70’s my favourite decade Morrissey “Hang the D.J!?”

There was always Steve Copell and Johan Cruyff in their heyday


When Doves Cry


Prince-When-Doves-Cry-300x300 (1)

The small guy who played basketball

His light shone in the 80’s, when he appeared to have it all

Fame, fortune, the women, the cars

If he could’ve painted his girlfriend’s purple and the moon and the stars

i’m sure that he would

Even when he was bad he was good

Aesthetically at least

Like the writer of this tribute a strange kind of beast

He reserved the right to look ridiculous all along

And it was Bono who said that in a song

Dead Wood


dead wood

since when do Man United need advice

From inferior opposition that ‘aint nice

Sick of Chelsea Pensioners who don’t know f*** all

Terry and Murdoch you’re simply not playing ball

Costa is a pile of s****

and you f****** well know it

Don’t trust people who hate man United

Robbie Savage sheep s****** you must be delighted

about the fact you are nothing more than a Man U cast off

Yiddish B.B.C Leicester city more’s the pity f**** off

Of your trolley Hansen….. you know full well LIverpool will win nothing without kids

You’ve got all the dead wood…. our stadium Protected for good by mohogany…..scousers who’ve hit the skids

Barcelona have got bigger debts than us

And all their best passers have acheived retirement status

Definitily keep the marshall and have the Mexican as cover….. deadly from close range

And not have Hummels in defence or the basque bloke in midfield strange

Get rid of Fellaini and Shrek

Rooney is  a physical wreck

Smalling is


Ashley Young tries hard

Without  a shadow of a doubt Martin Odegaard……




The Jinxed Irish


301211_bobby_sands_SWIFF Fans2 suicide-ireland-research-societal-response-pdf-by-theresa-lowrylehnen-lecturer-of-psychology-and-social-science-4-638 3_27_Oliver_Cromwell-Kilkenny-600

“The Luck of The OIrish” this is  a myth that must be destroyed

F*** your leprachaun and his crock of gold …the whole conceptleaves me so annoyed

The Guildford 4 and The Birmingham 6 were cursed from the beginning

My mom is Norwegian they have more money than Kuwait but i am failing so there!

My beloved dad’s genes are f****** me up preventing me from getting anywhere

And i am convinced he is bankrupt and maybe deceased

The luck of the irish deserted them in the potato famine this b******* must cease

The irish are plucky

But they are not lucky

“Sunday Bloody Sunday” as Bono said

persecuted by the Black tans…Bobby Sands sadly dead

The irish cannot win the Rugby World cup no matter how hard they try

George best half Greek half Irish his liver packed up 30 years early….sigh

Oscar Wilde suffered at the hands of  a rent boy ended up  a broken man

Died in Gay Paris  a year later after several years hard labour the Irish carry the can

Cromwell butchered the Irish in the north and the south as well

My mothers ancestors the vikings slaughtered them too oh well….

The “Rocket” Ronnie ‘O’ Sullivan

Great Snooker player f****** up by manic depression

If the irish are lucky why are so many of them institutionalised

Phil Lynott and Gary Moore struck down before their potential was realized

The luck of the irish do me a favour

Expecting the Almighty do be your saviour

Better off putting your faith in Atheism!

Or the reliable source of Zen or Orthodox Buddhism

And even that might let you down

The irish are even betrayed by their own …Luck of the irish…you clown

I’m psychic so why can’t i win the Lottery

I can’t make any money from my Art or my poetry

The irish are cursed the irish are jinxed

This is what Stephen Mulcahy Jensen, a genius thinks….


Stephen’s Master Plan(Part 1)




“I have a dream ” to revolutionise the catholic church

in the form of sabotage!!!!!! the most user friendly form of rebellion

Infiltrate the Vatican

And have its office moved at least 200 miles to Turin

I do love the smell of Industrial towns! it will be easier to control under the inebriated influence of radicals if it is isolated from it’s primary base

I will be going to Turin on Monday to spread the Word (Not the Gospel!)

Ideal candidate to shake things up: moi

Ruffle a feathers

Get things done me

Not a procrastinator like Garfield the cat


“Announcing on CNN the new leader of the pro Atheist council

I present to you Stephen Mulcahy Jensen”

To the sound of rapturous applause

“In my first speech i will denounce the Lutherian Church publicy

and have Herr Majesty the queen of Hannover resign forthwith and persuade her with the aid of Class C drugs to contribute her entire fortune to the poor in the form of Pret A Manger food parcels and then abandon her entire family to the political wilderness (Sub zero temperatures there)+ or as an alternative tried at The hague..

My next excellent recommendation is for the street homeless to be allowed full access to Buck house and license to cohabit there rent free and redecorate and renovate the entire archaic establishment as they see fit”

“Secondly words like sycophancy should be outlawed from the English language and relegated to the rubbish tip as this word is a form of corupting youth”

“and should therefore be exposed as an expletive and an obscenity”

Cliff richard is not a f****** role model and as for Nigel from Falmouth wanting to be Tory Prime Minister at 21 what does a 12 year old from an obscure backwater town  know about anything”

Thirdly The Cosa Nostra or Sicillian/Napolian Mafioso should relinquish their weapons of mass destruction immediately in an organised amnesty and abandon Carholicism as this is the blind faith that corrupted them in the first place then head straight for a correction unit where they will be educated in the act of Philosophy and Secular activity”

Finally the scandalous behaviour of catholic priests should be acknowledged not constantly denied by the church and all the guilty parties should be sentenced to life imprison ment and conndemned to hard labour i.e breaking rocks under the watchful eye of 50 prison wardens….Counselling should be implemented and substantial compensation paid to the survivors (Cash not cheque!!)

P.s Revolution of the catholic church in the form of destruction should be suggested and

vehemently discussed in an open mike night at the invitation of The Humanist association The quorn burgers are on the house!!!!! And positive images of Bisexual Atheist movement and Philosophers of The Orient(Not Leyton Orient) should be encouraged in an artistic setting  Lecture over (Not Sermon!!)

P.P.S Catholic countries that have swung away from conventional foolishness and embraced radical movements such as pro Abortion and Divorce like Brazil and Ireland should be celebrated but you have to ask “What took you so long?!”

P.P.P.S their has never been a Buddhist war don’t fall foul to anti philosophical propoganda

“Don’t think feel” is a s*** song by Neil Diamond  a has been







Guilty Of The Crime Of Criminal Neglect



My friend Jeff Ashcroft suffered on the locked ward

He was already in a bad way

Then the N.H.S  inflicted the knock out blow

They administered him anti depressants

The sort that should be outlawed immediately

Jeff’s mother had died. she was his rock

Jeff should have been released into the community

Where his father could have looked after him

I was also confined to the locked ward one time

In The Homerton Hospital not St.Clements

The latter has been closed down to late to save my friend Jeff

Jeff was an  Anarchist, an Arsenal fan and  a Christian

The evil church continues to condemn people for the brave act of suicide

Some heads are gonna roll

Great song that by Judas Priest

I will be suing the N.H.S

And defending myself

Therefore i have  a genius for a client

Not a fool for  a client

And it was a nurse who said that to a lawyer in “Neighbours”

I will be highlighting the plight of others including Lawford Clough

A victim of blatant homophobia a scourge of the N.H.S

And exposing the brutal treatment of my self by the N.H.S

Emphatically and categorically

I am doing this for the benefit of the N.H.S

The rich N.H.S can easily afford lawsuits

They are paying their Area Managers a small fortune

And they are just counting paperclips

I can safely say this without fear of contradiction as i watch that Bristol “Soap” casualty

And then there is the colossal waste of money in their rip off canteens

They should be replaced with “Greasy Spoons” immediately

And the salaries of the under worked Tory “Shrinks” should be slashed by 90%

That would still leave the likes of cookson and bass on the princely sum of £500 pounds sterling  a week minus roughly  20% tax

Which would be poetic justice from  a poet

And it would mean the Tory “Shrinks” could relate to the nurses, occupational therapists

and security guards on the wards

Not to mention the obese paramedics and the ambulance drivers

I will say it again “Some Heads Are Gonna Roll”

Sooner rather than later

Jeff Ashcroft R.I.P