El Classico (Sunday 23rd March 2014)


el classico
Listened to El Classico
on my radio
Real Madrid 3 Barca 4.Messi, sublime
Sergi Ramos sent off for the 19th time
A 3 way battle
for the Spanish title
What a pulsating game
This is not St.Mirren v Motherwell
These are all household names
El Classico, El Classico, absorbing and thrilling
When The Galacticos host Barca it lives up to top billing
El Classico rarely disappoints

Born In The Year Of The Tiger


Anni was born in 1986. she lived in a shack
She had a tiger tattoo all the way down her back
When a boyfriend robbed her blind
Him, she set out to find
Vengeance, the only thing on her mind
She had a feeling, where she might find her ex-boyfriend, Li
So, on her brother Wan’s motorbike, she headed for the city
She went to a few of his favourite haunts
A couple of bars and a downtown restaurant
She approached a stranger, drinking a beer
She wasn’t worried, for he seemed sincere
“I’m looking for a man…
who goes by the name of Li Tan!”
He said “I know of Li”
“He lives upstairs at number 3”
Li was taking it easy
Drinking beer and watching t.v
He heard a noise–Anni had kicked down his front door
She stared at him “You robbed me Li, you’re gonna get yours!”
He threw a punch–But Boy! Her reactions were quick
She dodged the punch and countered with a kung fu kick!
Li, he was quite simply taken aback
with the speed and brutality of her attacks
But with menacing expression on his face
He had her confronted in a tight space
He was convinced he had her where he wanted her
But Anni….She was calm under pressure

He shoved her against a wall
But she kicked him in the testicles!
Which brought tears to his eyes
Next up, came the surprise
“Fist Of Fury” aimed at his head
He was dazed and disorientated
Now Li, he was as strong as an ox
But he took a few too many knocks…
Fell to the floor with a thud
His face covered in his own blood
Li, he was battered—But just about alive
Anni left before the police could arrive!

When Terror Came To Boston (April 2013)


Runners competing in the marathon
Running through the heart of Boston
Excited spectators watching on
All of a sudden an explosion
In the chaos hundreds fled
Dozens injured at least 3 dead
It made the front cover of national newspapers today
Barack Obama says he’ll find the culprits and make them pay
When terror came to Boston
Just like 9/11
When terror came to Boston
When terror came to Boston

Norah Went To Norway


Norah went to Norway
To marvel at the Astrup Fearnley gallery
Norah went to Norway
And fell in love with the Fjords, breath taking scenery
Norah went to Norway
Cause a change is as good as a rest
Norah went to Norway
She dug the cuisine of Hammerfest
Norah went to Norway
With her brother Steve
Norah went to Norway
They did not want to leave
Norah went to Norway.

Stephen And Jane



Jane was so cruel-She couldn’t resist
telling her boyfriend Santa didn’t exist
And one day when he went out to the bank
He came back to find an empty fish tank
That fish supper to whet her appetite
The look on her face,one of sheer delight
So Stephen
thought he’d get even
The next morning she woke….and instead
of snuggling up to her lover…..a snake in her bed!
She screamed,jumped up in the air
got dressed quickly and ran downstairs
She confronted her boyfriend “Stephen,i swear….
if I never see you again–I don’t care!”
And that
was that

Germinal Beerschot


Germinal Beerschot, Why did you sell out and change your name?
to K.F.C Beerschot.’Though I’d visit your fine stadium all the same
You may never achieve a level of success or fame
But still,i wouldn’t mind taking in a home game
Make a routine stop
Purchase a shirt from your clubshop
to add to my collection
That’s 75 and countin’
Germinal Beerschot
I bet I’d love your mascot
Germinal Beerschot, Germinal Beerschot
I’m sure your fans are a devoted lot
Germinal Beerschot, we loyal fans follow
We don’t mind living in Royal Antwerp’s shadow
Or Anderlecht, Club Brugge, Standard Liege either
Relaxing after a 2 nil win with a beer
It would have to be “Stella Artois” of course
After a night game where you sung yourselves hoarse
K.F.C Beerschot you may now well be
But you’ll always be Germinal Beerschot to me!

The Baader Meinhof



Their ideals so good, their methods so bad
Now they’re all locked up. I have to say I’m glad
Life in prison. Extremely tough
But it’s a fitting end for The Baader Meinhof
They could have made a difference in this world. What a pity
That they acted out such cowardly violence….Still I loved the d.v.d
And some of their frauleins were rather sexy
The Baader Meinhof
The Baader Meinhof…..

Family Guy


family guy

Though somewhat lacking in style
And some of the humour, just plain juvenile
I have to admit
I love every minute… of family guy
Family Guy, Family Guy
Oh how I love Family Guy
Cause its better to laugh than cry
Family Guy is just great TV
On its own its almost worth the license fee
Family Guy, Family Guy…

My Mate Marmite



Some people love cricket

And hate Marmite

Some people hate cricket

And love Marmite

Then there are those who love both

Or hate both

“I’ll never kill myself over a woman!” He said

“But if you nick my jar of Marmite, I might kill you instead!”

He loved the black syrupy stuff

Three slices of toast aint enough… to satisfy his craving

“I’m in paradise! Sound the trumpets!”

“Scoffing Marmite on ADSA crumpets!”

He burst into song “Marmite mania…

It’s even spread to the hills of Romania”

One night he was tossing and turning in his bed

His wife she turned to him and said

“For goodness’ sake, whats all the commotion?!”

“I was dreaming of a Marmite ocean!”

“Then all of a sudden a drought!”

“What a nightmare!”

“I really don’t know what you’re on about”

“And I cant say I really care”

“All it is, is yeast extract”

“Honey, if you only knew the facts”

He went into the kitchen to relax

With a jar of Marmite….. and the radio

7am his council tax bill came in the post

He threw it on the fire and had some more toast!

Beethoven Lives Upstairs+(Canadian Film)



Ludwig Van Beethoven

Had manic depression

And was deaf half his life

Lonely too, never took a wife

He wrote some of the best music ever

In the beautiful backdrop of Vienna

Beethoven ,I’m sure, would have loved ABBA, Hendrix, ELO and U.2

Ludwig Van Beethoven, they even named a crater on Mercury after you

The ultimate tribute, I think you’ll agree

From “Moonlight Sonatas” to “The 9th Symphony”

If I had a dog, I’d call him Beethoven

Tracey Emin’s Art


tracey bed

Tracey Emin’s art is shit!
You’ve got more money than sense if you buy it
An unmade bed nominated for the Turner Prize. Really?!
To proper artists everywhere, that’s just plain silly
What it says to the average bloke
Is that the world of modern art’s a joke
Tracey Emin’s art belongs not in some posh gallery
But on a council tip…..That’s all I have to say, really

Diamond Geezer



“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
And Neil would know all about that
To the Diamond geezer, I take off my hat
For his
truly is…”A Beautiful Noise”
He appeals to girls and boys
The Diamond geezer
“A Jazz Singer”
is the Diamond geezer
The Jewish boy who hails from Brooklyn, New York
“Money talks, but it can’t sing and dance and it can’t walk”
The Diamond Geezer
is “Forever…In blue jeans”

Untitled Poem



A strange kind of sickness has come over me
It must be…love
I feel sudden urges to write poetry
It must be…love
When she takes down her posters of Man.U
And replaces them all with photos of you
It must be…love
I’ve been seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses
Hardly noticing as another week passes
It must be…love
The other day I popped out and bought her flowers
Then we chatted on the telephone for hours
It must be…love
Friday, in the front row of the cinema
I grabbed her and started removing her bra
It must be lust!

Spread a Little Happiness



Spread a little happiness. Spread a little joy
Make this world a better place for every girl and boy
Rich man give some of your money away
Forget your needs. Do a good deed today
Tell a stranger a joke
Buy your best friend a “Coke”
Israeli soldier lay down your gun
and hug a Palestinian
If that dog annoys you don’t kick him in the head!
Pat him and throw him a bone instead
Cause a dog is man’s best friend
His loyalty knows no end

Spread a little happiness. Ease a lil pain
Give that girl your brolly in the pouring rain
Reach out to the sick. Reach out to the blind
The warmth you get back from them will blow your mind!
Spread a little happiness. Be man–kind
Spread a little happiness. Spread a little cheer
Gung hay fat choy or “Happy New Year”

Lady Luck



Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
I could use a change of fortune, see
Lady Luck smile on me, ‘cause I have been a good boy
Lady Luck send some good fortune for me to enjoy
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck roll your dice
2 sixes would be nice
On the Roulette wheel of life it would be nice if I could win
Lady Luck you can make nice things start happenin’…for me
All my life felt I was jinxed
But then I don’t know what Lady Luck thinks
Maybe she’s got somethin’ nice in store for me
Lady Luck won’t you smile down on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me

Why Not? (Manhattan Carnival)



“Gloria”, “Walk In Love”, “Java Jive” and “Scotch and Soda”
Has there ever been a vocal group like The Manhattan Transfer?
“On A little Street In Singapore”
And the all time classic “Chanson D’amour”
“Another Night In Tunisia”
“Smile Again” and “Stomp Of King Porter”
“Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square”
“Don’t Let Go”, “Je Voulais Te Dire”
Fantastic songs
They linger long…in the memory
Their unique harmony
will entertain generations to come, like generations past
Cause one thing’s for sure quality always lasts
Long live The Manhattan Transfer!

The Girl Who Burns With Love



Her name
is Flame
In bed, she’s red hot
The charms she’s got
She burns with love–Don’t doubt her passion
You’ll find she warms up after a fashion
She’s red hot, like the Equator
To abandon her would devastate her
But she won’t be lonely for long
She’ll soon find a man to right her wrongs
You shouldn’t ever question her desire
She wants a man to extinguish her fire
The girl who burns with love
She knows love is a two-way street
not a cul-de-sac
If her, you were lucky enough to meet
you’d want her in the sack
and you’d feel like you won the lottery, Jack
Her name
is Flame
and she burns with love…

Cat Stuck Up a Tree


cat in tree

Cat stuck up a tree. Goes by the name of Marmalade
Cat stuck up a tree. Someone call the Fire Brigade
Cat stuck up a tree. Climbing up there was a whole lotta fun
’til he got stuck. Don’t worry kitty, soon have you down, son
For Marmalade, being the centre of attention was a blast
Now he’s back on terra firma. Head indoors for a bowl of milk, fast
Cat stuck up a tree
A front page story
in sleepy rural town rag
Cat stuck up a tree
for Marmalade, what a drag!

The Evil Clown



When the evil clown
hits your town…you just can’t wait
When the evil clown
hits your town…you celebrate
A chance to pig out. Eat huge burgers soaked in grease
Is it any wonder that a third of Americans are obese?
And now chronic obesity has spread to British shores
The evil clown and his nasty brand of cheap labour
And so harmful for the environment
That this clown’s so popular is a big disappointment
Ronald Macdonald, don’t wanna see your happy, smiley face
Ronald Macdonald you are an absolute fucking disgrace!

St. John’s Wood



St. John’s Wood, popular with millionaires
But for St. John’s Wood, I really do not care
There’s not even much to photograph there
Yes, life in St. John’s Wood, I just couldn’t stick it
There’s nothing to do there, unless you love cricket!
St. John’s Wood really is no good
A World Cinema would add to the neighbourhood
A good CD shop or a decent Art Gallery
You won the lottery and bought a place there…really!
You must love boredom!
St. John’s Wood
is no good

The Iberian Peninsula



I’d love to tour the Iberian Penninsula
on a train one day, take lots of good pictures
and sell them all for 50 bucks each
Spend the odd hour lying on a beach
In the grip of a depression. Can’t get no release
In the Iberian Penninsula I could find some peace
Strolling through the galleries and market stalls
Of bustling cities in Spain and Portugal
would be just great
So much better than this current state…I find myself in

The People of Zimbabwe



Open your hearts for the people of Zimbabwe
For it can’t be easy living under Mugabe
and his tyrannical reign
Inflation rocketing again
How much is a loaf of bread this week?
Life for the citizens of Zimbabwe is bleak
The developed nations cannot turn a deaf ear
Continue to ignore what is happening there
The people of Zimbabwe
We hear about your plight on our TV
I signed a petition once in The Strand
We need others out there to make a stand
With Mugabe,we need to get tough
A united effort. Enough is enough
Then the people of Zimbabwe
Will once again be free

The Land of the Rip-Off Merchants



If it was down to W.H.Smith
England would not be the land of the free
But the land of the expensive!
95p for a biro–You’re havin’ a laugh!
Their staff are not particularly friendly either
helpful or indeed knowledgeable
Maybe I’m ignorant when it comes to economics
But I simply don’t understand how…
cheaper shops with better trained staff
have gone under years ago
While W.H.Smith survive every recession
A nagging feeling that W.H.Smith will still be
ripping people off in 50 years’ time
Unless of course, there’s a nuclear war before then!
W.H.Smith, you give retail a bad name!

Tictacs, Not Tactics +



They’re trying to make a simple game complicated
With their 4–4–2s,4—5–1 or 4–3–3s
talk of “Diamond” formations and “Christmas trees”
There should be no place in “The Beautiful Game” for dull and stuffy tactics
Just stick it in the “Onion Bag” and leave the rest to the academics
Games are not won or lost on the chalkboard
All this technical bullshit just leaves me bored!
As for Tictacs, I like the green ones and the orange ones!

+ mints

A Day in The Priory



Woke up in The Priory
Nothing on TV
except horse racing and some dull black and white movie
At St. Clements no beds
So got sent here instead
In this picturesque setting
The 5 star treatment I’m getting
How privileged I am to stay in The Priory
The temporary home of many a celebrity
What can I say?
‘though only here for a day
Then get the tube to my flat in Aldgate East
I’m rather disappointed to say the least
Would have liked a longer stay
But it was great anyway
Everyone deserves luxury now and then…

(The Priory in Roehampton, South London)

Up a Lazy River



Up a lazy river with you
Sharing a pear cider or two
You topless, soakin’ in the sun
Our thoughts soon turn to adult fun
Cause I’m a man of the world
And you babe, ain’t a nun!
Floatin’ up a lazy river with you
I don’t really care where we’re headin’ to
Up a lazy river with you
Relaxed, takin’ in the view
This day I will never forget
We make short work of the picnic basket
Up a lazy river with you
Gene Vincent on Radio 2
As the sailboat heads for the river bend
Soon this glorious summer adventure will end
I’ll head back to my home and my college books
But I’ll always remember the girl with the film star looks!…

The Brylcreem Days



He recalls with fondness, the Brylcreem days
When going to a drive-in movie was the craze
With a stunning gal on his arm
He reassured her she’d come to no harm
For, she’d heard he was a wild boy
The 1950s he did enjoy
Buddy Holly and Gene Vincent at The High School Disco
He’d dance with Mary Lou, from Cleveland, Ohio
Oh! How he loved The Brylcreem days
Alas, now they’re just a blurred haze
As for Mary Lou, his red hot teenage lover
He married her and now she’s a grandmother
The Brylcreem days
The Brylcreem days…

Formula One



Those Formula One cars go so very fast
A blur at Silverstone. Damon Hill just went passed
Michael Schumacher: So good in the rain
There he is on the podium again
Drowning everyone with champagne
I used to enjoy watching the exploits of Nikki Lauda
Alain Prost, Nelson Piquet and the hilarious Murray Walker
in the 80s. But I don’t watch Formula One anymore
Cause there’s no overtaking in it now. It’s become a bore!

Van Der Valk



Van Der Valk: Fighting crime is his passion
Just a shame about that 70s fashion!
In the land of windmills
There’s enough thrills
in every episode to keep you watching
Another murderous plot unravelling
For, Van Der Valk is indeed a clever copper
Played so well by the late Barry Foster
And his sidekick, the young, enthusiastic Kroon
The murder case solved by late afternoon
Then return home to Arlette, his beautiful wife
Classical vinyl and fine home cooking…Quite a life…
Van Der Valk does lead
And he always succeeds
‘Though he ruffles a few feathers,including that,of his boss
And some of his cases perplexing,but not a dead loss
For, the persistent, cigar smoking, Van Der valk
Will always find a way to make the villains talk
Van Der Valk, Van Der Valk
A mountain of paperwork…
And a visit to the morgue, later that day,no doubt
For, this is what a Commissariss’s routine is about
Van Der Valk,i have no regrets
purchasing your boxset
Quality TV in my living room
And what’s more, a hummable theme tune!

And Now…The Weather



Zeinab Badawi, Zeinab Badawi
You brightened up dull days in the 80s
And made me forget
getting soaking wet…
3 times in one week
You were fantastic
A ray of sunshine
I wanted you to be mine
All teenage boys do, is fantasize
I guess that’s why, they’ll never be worldly wise
African Princess, I loved you to bits
If you’d been my lover I’d have let you squeeze my zits!
I’d have taken you to “Pizza Hut” in Swindon
Zeinab Badawi: A stunningly beautiful woman
I saw you on TV
only recently
I have to say, you’ve aged well
In your 50s now, but still look swell
Zeinab Badawi
Zeinab Badawi

What Love Means To Her



Miss, have you ever been in love?
Of course you have. It’s what you dream of
You build yourself Castles In The Air
When love’s around, you wish you were there
She’s been in love so many times
And to her, it’s so sublime
And not at all surreal
She likes the way it makes her feel
Love, to her, is an exotic place
Or indeed a smiling face
This is what love means to her…

Surreal Poem (Part One)



I’d like to be thrown by a bull in a rodeo
Or go back to ol’ England and visit a freak show!
I’d like to meet up with knights so bald
That’s why they wore helmets, I’m told
Fighting fire breathing dragons
at feminist conventions!
I’d like to turn blue in the freezing cold
I’d like to be still chasing skirt when I’m old
I’d like to be a cowboy in The Wild West
Chasing Red Indians, it’s what they do best
Not some cowboy plumber with tattoos and man breasts
I’d like to be a maniac. I’d like to be obsessed
I’d like to be a fly on the wall
listening in on government secrets in Whitehall
Or stay in a “Trusthouse Forte” on the middle east roadmap
Watch a Spanish league game that’s absolutely crap!
I’d like to be a fire eater or a circus clown
Or some drunken lunatic chased out of town!
Not being cruel or even unkind
But as long as it’s a Welsh town, I really wouldn’t mind
I’d like to be a bandit robbing a stagecoach
I’d like to be a sewer rat or a cockroach
Get some crummy hotel or hospital as well
Closed down for good. That would be just swell
I’d like to dine Haute Cuisine in a “Greasy Spoon”
Or run over “Mickey Mouse” in a car–toon
I’d like to take a black and white photograph
Of The Loch Ness Monster in Dagenham, for a laugh
Finally, I’d like to tap dance and fall in the sink!
Go to Hull city centre and film the missing link!

The Ballad of Moscow



(written in 2008)

Poor ol’ John Terry slipped in the rain
Down the King’s Road they felt his pain
All those yuppies crying in their beer
Dreaming they’d win it next year
Roman Abrahamovich
can’t help but feel sick
Chelsea’s Champion’s league obsession
While Man. U’s players lead a victory procession
Man. U, Man. U
We love you
Man. U, Man. U
Chelsea feeling blue

The Aliens are Coming



A fleet of UFOs fills the blue skies
While down below, people run for their lives
“Quick, hide in the barn, warn the children too”
“Phone the authorities, they’ll know what to do”
Some villagers are gathering up arms”
and moving the livestock off of their farms
to a place of safety, nearby
The armed forces arrive, with missiles in tow
A direct hit! They come crashing below

Jim’s sitting on a hill, smoking his cannabis
and wondering what to make of all this
How can we make such rash judgements already
These aliens from afar, could be friendly
The aliens are coming, followed by an unruly rabble
The aliens are coming, I wonder if they play “Scrabble!”

Ode to Eric


Eric Cantona

Just who is this Eric Cantona?
Footballer, painter and filmstar
This legend
of The Stretford End
who soared like a seagull in the air
to nod home a Giggs cross while the goalie clutched thin air
What next for the man, who kung fu kicked a “Palace” yob into row J
and had his name plastered across the tabloids the very next day
This gallic genius
wouldn’t go amiss
in any football hall of fame
At Old Trafford, they still sing his name
I’d have loved to seen Eric as a “Match Of The Day” pundit
Boring Lineker can choke on his crisps! Eric, you’ve got it (charisma, that is)
Or one day take the reins at Man.U
But the New York Cosmos job beckoned too
What next for King Eric, a “Palme d’or”
Or literary prize, Eric knows the score

Rendezvous in Dagenham



I swear the girl from Essex couldn’t be much dumber
Said she preferred Donor Kebab to Donna Summer!
And she never really cared for me anyway
She’s rather watch the “soaps” or head for St. Tropez
for a rip-off fake tan
I’d be better off with this beer can
Cause where there’s no trust
Just carnal lust…ain’t good
And her madness it never ends!
So I left her and her silly friends
and caught the bus home…

The Metropolitan Line+



Oh how I love The Metropolitan line
Goes all the way to Watford. How divine!
Not to mention Baker Street and The Barbican
Or watch England win at Wembley stadium
Yes, the purple line can’t be beat
And you can always get a seat
Be it Christmas, rush hour or pub closing time
I never knew tube travel could be so sublime
I boarded it at Aldgate sometime last year
Found a brand-new “Big Issue” and a full can of beer!

+Written several years ago

Little Boy in the Candy Store



A little boy in the candy store
Chocolate, sweets and lollipops galore
They also sell
biscuits as well
Bourbons, Garibaldi and Custard Creams
This place is a virtual palace of dreams
The white mice
looked so nice
The licorice
on the dish
Then there’s the fizzy Cola bottles and Smarties
Alas, the boy has only got a few pennies
But the kindly shopkeeper puts him at ease
“You can have an assortment for 20p!”
“And I’ll throw in a biscuit too”
“Which one, is up to you”
“And remember to tell your friends where my shop is”
“Cause you need all the help you can get, when you’re in business”
The little boy left straight away
And brought 3 of his pals ’round the next day

+ Set in the 70s

The Brainy Chick



You’ve read Alexander Dumas
And you’ve been to The Sorbonne
I have to say brainy chicks
don’t usually turn me on
But there’s something about you
Can’t get you out of my head
You’ve never given me reason to doubt you
And I’d like you in my bed
You can speak 7 different languages, including Cantonese
You’re a high powered lawyer representing refugees
Now, I know our half-baked immigration policy is a mess
But to be honest babe, I like you best when you’re under duress
It brings out the best in you
You’re looking to release all that nervous tension
Come back to my place is my suggestion
I’ll put a Motown record on
Heavy Metal or Elton John
You’re such a brainy chick…’Fraid i can’t compete
I need to win a “Scrabble” league….Cause you got me beat
Then before I know it, I’ll be on “Easy Street”
French girl, Oh! French girl, you’ve made my life complete
As Deborah Harry would say
How about some French kissing in the U.K
OK, she actually said the U.S.A
But I don’t live in Boston…And poetic license goes a long way

Success Stories/ Did Shit At School


gary numan
Bryan Robson
George Benson fan
Man.United fan
Did shit at school
like the jazz bloke f****** cool
Alan Sugar doesn’t have an “O” level
Morrissey , Simply Red, Gary Neville
Womack and Womack taught their kids at home
F*** private school, bastards rule, Chelsea shed
Leave school with a degree, end up sweeping the streets, instead
Gary Numan expelled from school
Bill Gates Harvard drop out, swimming pool….
Private helicopter as well
Rich art patron, changes the world, just swell
Tommy Vance
Took his chance
One of the few D.J’s i can stand
Richard Rogers, architect,knew how to make a grand…
Several examples more
Education’s a bore
Real geniuses hard to ignore

Teachers Bore The Pants Off Me!


teachers whisky
Teachers always going on strike
A 35 hour week
Is what they seek
More fun to nick the students bike
Than be a teacher
Think they stand for culture
They stand for f*** all!
Pink Floyd “The Wall”
Alice Cooper
“School’s out for summer”
Like social worker swine!
Should be given 10.000 lines
Must not do it again
School league tables on the news at 10
“Look away if you don’t want to know the results”
Trevor McDonald said
There’s scandal about teachers every week in the papers
Drum it into your head
My dad was a bus driver
Not a conductor or a skiver
He’d have loved 12 weeks off a year
Teachers union, students union, live for beer
And they can afford it, i can’t, they both hate the queer
fascists who f*** you up!
Sports day, grey day, tiny cup
That’s all you get
“Fields of regret”
“Gregory’s Girl” f****** s****!
Fat b****** plastic ruler, evil git
Bitches too, we hate you
Bin Laden went to college
Oxford b*******! Maggie’s knowledge
Gangsters play the piano
In french movies
Polanski’s piano player
Hardly groovy
The worst film i’ve ever seen
A hedonist perv piano teacher…f****** obscene
Should teach rock guitar or the drums…
the saxophone…. don’t leave me alone with Grammar school scum
And i’ve already eaton hi cholestrol dinner
F*** the headmaster he’s a sinner
If it’s not the system robots screwing up your life
It’s that evil tyrant God……Trouble and strife
Sends Earthquakes to Japan, creates Tyrants and the Devil,Mad man
Head in the clouds like the teachers
Both encourage b****** preachers
Should have skived school….Boring and uncool
My fat mother would have given me the slipper
Parents f*** you up as well
Brothers, sisters. just as well
I like my own company
Left school 30 years ago
Finally free
Friends will help you out
Teachers they just wanna shout
nag and criticise
Wake up smell the coffee, get wise
The teaching profession, i despise
Like social workers…”Evil Eyes”
That’s a “Dio” song
A real success who does belong
In the history books, “Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame”
Well worth a look, not the science teacher, What’s his name?
Knocking over a “bunsen burner”
manic, panic, evacuate the class
Teachers on a nice little earner
Call you lazy, f***** crazy, keep off the grass
No, should smoke it instead
Homework, f*** off! The bike shed
Where you get a proper education
Not “Grange hill” on television
Uniform free day, Teachers fishnets and knickers
Or sniffing the glue off the back of the football stickers!
Didn’t know you could get high on Trevor Brooking!
half the girls at my school weren’t even good looking
Then the’s the bully, teachers don’t give a shit about him
They bully you as well, go to Hell, a survivor not a victim
Ban the cane
Too much pain
Ban the satchel too
F*** off teaching profession
Teach them all a lesson, F*** you!

It’s Not A War It’s An Invasion!++( Part rhyming/part non rhyming)


The Middle East
Where peace has ceased
It’s not a war
Like it says on channel 4
And I.T.V the moron’s station
The former is dumbing down
Panic in Haifa no more growing lemons
They all play for Maccabi Haifa
Who probably fund the illegal occupation as well
Supported by Hollywood, Levi strauss
Wall st, The Pentagon
But not Obama..he’s a muslim
And he’s too busy sorting out Guantanamo bay
Or pandering to the chinks
C.N.N does it’s best
to stay neutral
On every level
not just Palestine
The Middle east
flattening homes
Don’t like where the bastards roam
Prefer them in their natural environment
Not Marks and Spencer, no…the jewish graveyard
Snap them in Germany, Italy even Austria
The Middle East stealing land
That doesn’t belong to them
Hissidic scum every one
Prefer muslims who drink
To jews who stink
Then there’s muslim drag queens on the telly
Sharon’s gone don’t miss his fat belly
It’s not a war
I told you before
It’s a massacre

Dentists Appointment




Dentists appointment
Sadists disappointment
Supposed to be there at ten
Got held up in The Ice Age!
Be there soon
Straight from a cartoon
To bare his teeth …His rage
to match the dentists…Feel his pain
The Sabre tooth doesn’t want novocaine
Pink mouthwash or “The Horse and Hound”
Waiting room, doom and gloom, the awful sound…..
Of the drill
attacking with skill
Open wide! straight for the gums
The dentist fled, half dead, feelin’ numb
Then the Chinaman cancelled at tooth hurty
The assistant troubled…. the tiger ripped off her skirt-y
Dentists appointment don’t be late next time
Or suffer the wrath of the rich swine!
If you think his last client was a laugh
his mate “the woolly mammoth”…. aftermath!

You Wouldn’t Want These People Going On Strike!


cartoonist's rule
The cartoonist in The Guardian
The cartoonist in Private Eye
Surrealist cartoonist, Gary larson
Cause it’s better to laugh than cry
Shame about Giles ‘though
Or Rolf harris…a body blow
to the cartoonist but i’m sure he’ll recover
Every woman would want to be his lover!
Gerald Scarfe, you’re havin’ a laugh, Pink Floyd “The Wall”
Exposing politicians, organized religion, he walks tall…
Does the cartoonist
Poking fun, he can’t resist
The cartoonist rather fond
Of the barbarian and the buxom blonde
The cartoonist
Satirist, cutting edge
The cartoonist
To change the world is his pledge
Or at the very least radicalize it
He’s a genius, realize it
Just try not to upset the muslim!
The cartoonist sticks 2 fingers up to the system!
The cartoonist how does he get away with it!?
The cartoonist extremely wealthy, but not in it for profit
Garfield the cat, The Red baron
Fred Basset, The Beano, Viz, just imagine….
a world without the cartoonist in it
The cartoonist pushing it to the limit
The boundaries of taste
His time he does not waste
The cartoonist beneficial for the Nation’s health
he pokes fun at the obese as well, with guile and stealth
The cartoonist really should’ve been one myself
But i can’t work to a dead line
So better to do it for a hobby
The cartoonist read by the fascist and The Beat “Bobbie”
You don’t need an “O” level to write for comics
Or to be a Billionaire, like Alan sugar
He’ll be turning to Alcohol soon
Outdated Private Eye cartoon
Trying to sell art to peasants is pathetic
Why be rich when you’re dead! or state charity instead
So maybe i should try writing for comedians
Manic depression, self expression, not recession!
The cartoonist sending up life and “Trouble and strife” his obsession
The competititive edge what you need
And bastards in the 60’s succeed
A toddler in his nappy
In Private eye too, his life’s crappy
Been going since the 60’s… sued by a schizophrenic
In the Rippers bed
Been sued many times, heinous crimes, but in the black, not the red
The cartoonist a giant of a man, Belgians love him…”Desperate Dan”
Worshipped everywhere, Croydon, i swear, China, India and Japan
The Anarchist celebrates him too
The cartoonist doesn’t give a s***, f*** you!
The N.U.T on strike, 12 weeks holiday a year
We’re not skivers, mock black cab drivers and drink better beer
Morons love us too, “Cowboy builders”. the builders fat ass
We rip the piss out of them all, we are first class

The cartoonist 80’s sit com
What absurd angle is he coming from
How the hell should i know?
The perfect tonic when feeling low
The cartoonist “Get On Your Bike…
And look for work!”
Drives the Establishment bezerk
You don’t want him going on strike!
He even features in the porn mags
“When Saturday Comes” full of great gags
The cartoonist…..loved him at school
The Cartoonist, he rocks, he rules