Lisbon Stories

Glancing across

The glorious Tagus

From a high vantage point

Janine stopped to smoke a joint

Then a stroll down the sunkissed Alfama streets

A trip to Lisbon would not be complete

Without a tram ride to Belem

And Benfica and Sporting stadiums

But Janine is not a fan of football

So i take her shopping afterwards.Cause she’s beautiful

Then a bar before returning to our hotel

Couldn’t wish for a better travel companion.She is swell

I just wish she’d embrace the “Beautiful Game”

Still, i realize i love her all the same

As we wake and shower then prepare for the next day

The Gulbenkian foundation on our itenary

Hop on  a tram to The Chiado

Then board the funicular to Bairro Alto

Hang out with writers and artists

Go to bars and get pissed.

A sandwich next morning in a cafe

Then take in Avenida da Liberdade

Where Janine french kissed me…..then whispered in my ear

“I love you Stephen , you’re funny and sincere”

Our Lisbon vacation

Ended in an excursion.

A short journey to the splendid Cascais resort

Janine went topless on the beach.She is a good sport

Our memories of Lisbon, long may they last

As the plane touches down at Gatwick and it’s overcast……

El Classico (Sunday 23rd March 2014)

Listened to El Classico
on my radio
Real Madrid 3 Barca 4.Messi, sublime
Sergi Ramos sent off for the 19th time
A 3 way battle
for the Spanish title
What a pulsating game
This is not St.Mirren v Motherwell
These are all household names
El Classico, El Classico, absorbing and thrilling
When The Galacticos host Barca it lives up to top billing
El Classico rarely disappoints

Born In The Year Of The Tiger

Anni was born in 1986. she lived in a shack
She had a tiger tattoo all the way down her back
When a boyfriend robbed her blind
Him, she set out to find
Vengeance, the only thing on her mind
She had a feeling, where she might find her ex-boyfriend, Li
So, on her brother Wan’s motorbike, she headed for the city
She went to a few of his favourite haunts
A couple of bars and a downtown restaurant
She approached a stranger, drinking a beer
She wasn’t worried, for he seemed sincere
“I’m looking for a man…
who goes by the name of Li Tan!”
He said “I know of Li”
“He lives upstairs at number 3”
Li was taking it easy
Drinking beer and watching t.v
He heard a noise–Anni had kicked down his front door
She stared at him “You robbed me Li, you’re gonna get yours!”
He threw a punch–But Boy! Her reactions were quick
She dodged the punch and countered with a kung fu kick!
Li, he was quite simply taken aback
with the speed and brutality of her attacks
But with menacing expression on his face
He had her confronted in a tight space
He was convinced he had her where he wanted her
But Anni….She was calm under pressure

He shoved her against a wall
But she kicked him in the testicles!
Which brought tears to his eyes
Next up, came the surprise
“Fist Of Fury” aimed at his head
He was dazed and disorientated
Now Li, he was as strong as an ox
But he took a few too many knocks…
Fell to the floor with a thud
His face covered in his own blood
Li, he was battered—But just about alive
Anni left before the police could arrive!

When Terror Came To Boston (April 2013)

Runners competing in the marathon
Running through the heart of Boston
Excited spectators watching on
All of a sudden an explosion
In the chaos hundreds fled
Dozens injured at least 3 dead
It made the front cover of national newspapers today
Barack Obama says he’ll find the culprits and make them pay
When terror came to Boston
Just like 9/11
When terror came to Boston
When terror came to Boston

Norah Went To Norway

Norah went to Norway
To marvel at the Astrup Fearnley gallery
Norah went to Norway
And fell in love with the Fjords, breath taking scenery
Norah went to Norway
Cause a change is as good as a rest
Norah went to Norway
She dug the cuisine of Hammerfest
Norah went to Norway
With her brother Steve
Norah went to Norway
They did not want to leave
Norah went to Norway.

The Cricket World Cup

The Cricket World Cup….Boy! Is life tough!
The Cricket World Cup….Sorry for dozin’ off
The Cricket World Cup….Hooray! Rain stopped play
Now switch over to the football channel without delay

Stephen And Jane

Jane was so cruel-She couldn’t resist
telling her boyfriend Santa didn’t exist
And one day when he went out to the bank
He came back to find an empty fish tank
That fish supper to whet her appetite
The look on her face,one of sheer delight
So Stephen
thought he’d get even
The next morning she woke….and instead
of snuggling up to her lover…..a snake in her bed!
She screamed,jumped up in the air
got dressed quickly and ran downstairs
She confronted her boyfriend “Stephen,i swear….
if I never see you again–I don’t care!”
And that
was that

Germinal Beerschot

Germinal Beerschot, Why did you sell out and change your name?
to K.F.C Beerschot.’Though I’d visit your fine stadium all the same
You may never achieve a level of success or fame
But still,i wouldn’t mind taking in a home game
Make a routine stop
Purchase a shirt from your clubshop
to add to my collection
That’s 75 and countin’
Germinal Beerschot
I bet I’d love your mascot
Germinal Beerschot, Germinal Beerschot
I’m sure your fans are a devoted lot
Germinal Beerschot, we loyal fans follow
We don’t mind living in Royal Antwerp’s shadow
Or Anderlecht, Club Brugge, Standard Liege either
Relaxing after a 2 nil win with a beer
It would have to be “Stella Artois” of course
After a night game where you sung yourselves hoarse
K.F.C Beerschot you may now well be
But you’ll always be Germinal Beerschot to me!

The Baader Meinhof

Their ideals so good, their methods so bad
Now they’re all locked up. I have to say I’m glad
Life in prison. Extremely tough
But it’s a fitting end for The Baader Meinhof
They could have made a difference in this world. What a pity
That they acted out such cowardly violence….Still I loved the d.v.d
And some of their frauleins were rather sexy
The Baader Meinhof
The Baader Meinhof…..

Family Guy

Though somewhat lacking in style
And some of the humour, just plain juvenile
I have to admit
I love every minute… of family guy
Family Guy, Family Guy
Oh how I love Family Guy
Cause its better to laugh than cry
Family Guy is just great TV
On its own its almost worth the license fee
Family Guy, Family Guy…

Beethoven Lives Upstairs+(Canadian Film)

Ludwig Van Beethoven

Had manic depression

And was deaf half his life

Lonely too, never took a wife

He wrote some of the best music ever

In the beautiful backdrop of Vienna

Beethoven ,I’m sure, would have loved ABBA, Hendrix, ELO and U.2

Ludwig Van Beethoven, they even named a crater on Mercury after you

The ultimate tribute, I think you’ll agree

From “Moonlight Sonatas” to “The 9th Symphony”

If I had a dog, I’d call him Beethoven

Tracey Emin’s Art

Tracey Emin’s art is shit!
You’ve got more money than sense if you buy it
An unmade bed nominated for the Turner Prize. Really?!
To proper artists everywhere, that’s just plain silly
What it says to the average bloke
Is that the world of modern art’s a joke
Tracey Emin’s art belongs not in some posh gallery
But on a council tip…..That’s all I have to say, really

The Klu Klux Klan

The Klu Klux Klan
The Klu Klux klan
are evil, to the man
And doing the best they can
to destroy America
forever
They kill blacks, they kill gays
They have their wicked, twisted ways
Send them to prison forever and a day
Or you’ll find that they’re here to stay

Diamond Geezer

“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
And Neil would know all about that
To the Diamond geezer, I take off my hat
For his
truly is…”A Beautiful Noise”
He appeals to girls and boys
The Diamond geezer
“Stargazer”
“A Jazz Singer”
is the Diamond geezer
The Jewish boy who hails from Brooklyn, New York
“Money talks, but it can’t sing and dance and it can’t walk”
The Diamond Geezer
is “Forever…In blue jeans”

Happy Birthday Juliette Greco*

*87 on Feb 7th, 2014

Happy Birthday Juliette Greco!

One time lover of Miles Davis

Happy Birthday Juliette Greco

When you die, you will be missed

You’ve served your country well

Juliette Greco you are swell

Some of your songs are sublime

I drew your portrait one time

Happy Birthday Juliette Greco!

Untitled Poem

A strange kind of sickness has come over me
It must be…love
I feel sudden urges to write poetry
It must be…love
When she takes down her posters of Man.U
And replaces them all with photos of you
It must be…love
I’ve been seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses
Hardly noticing as another week passes
It must be…love
The other day I popped out and bought her flowers
Then we chatted on the telephone for hours
It must be…love
Friday, in the front row of the cinema
I grabbed her and started removing her bra
It must be lust!

Spread a Little Happiness

Spread a little happiness. Spread a little joy
Make this world a better place for every girl and boy
Rich man give some of your money away
Forget your needs. Do a good deed today
Tell a stranger a joke
Buy your best friend a “Coke”
Israeli soldier lay down your gun
and hug a Palestinian
If that dog annoys you don’t kick him in the head!
Pat him and throw him a bone instead
Cause a dog is man’s best friend
His loyalty knows no end

Spread a little happiness. Ease a lil pain
Give that girl your brolly in the pouring rain
Reach out to the sick. Reach out to the blind
The warmth you get back from them will blow your mind!
Spread a little happiness. Be man–kind
Spread a little happiness. Spread a little cheer
Gung hay fat choy or “Happy New Year”

Lady Luck

Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
I could use a change of fortune, see
Lady Luck smile on me, ‘cause I have been a good boy
Lady Luck send some good fortune for me to enjoy
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck roll your dice
2 sixes would be nice
On the Roulette wheel of life it would be nice if I could win
Lady Luck you can make nice things start happenin’…for me
All my life felt I was jinxed
But then I don’t know what Lady Luck thinks
Maybe she’s got somethin’ nice in store for me
Lady Luck won’t you smile down on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me

Why Not? (Manhattan Carnival)

“Gloria”, “Walk In Love”, “Java Jive” and “Scotch and Soda”
Has there ever been a vocal group like The Manhattan Transfer?
“On A little Street In Singapore”
And the all time classic “Chanson D’amour”
“Another Night In Tunisia”
“Smile Again” and “Stomp Of King Porter”
“Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square”
“Don’t Let Go”, “Je Voulais Te Dire”
Fantastic songs
They linger long…in the memory
Their unique harmony
will entertain generations to come, like generations past
Cause one thing’s for sure quality always lasts
Long live The Manhattan Transfer!

The Girl Who Burns With Love

Her name
is Flame
In bed, she’s red hot
The charms she’s got
She burns with love–Don’t doubt her passion
You’ll find she warms up after a fashion
She’s red hot, like the Equator
To abandon her would devastate her
But she won’t be lonely for long
She’ll soon find a man to right her wrongs
You shouldn’t ever question her desire
She wants a man to extinguish her fire
The girl who burns with love
She knows love is a two-way street
not a cul-de-sac
If her, you were lucky enough to meet
you’d want her in the sack
and you’d feel like you won the lottery, Jack
Her name
is Flame
and she burns with love…

Cat Stuck Up a Tree

Cat stuck up a tree. Goes by the name of Marmalade
Cat stuck up a tree. Someone call the Fire Brigade
Cat stuck up a tree. Climbing up there was a whole lotta fun
’til he got stuck. Don’t worry kitty, soon have you down, son
For Marmalade, being the centre of attention was a blast
Now he’s back on terra firma. Head indoors for a bowl of milk, fast
Cat stuck up a tree
A front page story
in sleepy rural town rag
Cat stuck up a tree
for Marmalade, what a drag!

The Evil Clown

When the evil clown
hits your town…you just can’t wait
When the evil clown
hits your town…you celebrate
A chance to pig out. Eat huge burgers soaked in grease
Is it any wonder that a third of Americans are obese?
And now chronic obesity has spread to British shores
The evil clown and his nasty brand of cheap labour
And so harmful for the environment
That this clown’s so popular is a big disappointment
Ronald Macdonald, don’t wanna see your happy, smiley face
Ronald Macdonald you are an absolute fucking disgrace!

St. John’s Wood

St. John’s Wood, popular with millionaires
But for St. John’s Wood, I really do not care
There’s not even much to photograph there
Yes, life in St. John’s Wood, I just couldn’t stick it
There’s nothing to do there, unless you love cricket!
St. John’s Wood really is no good
A World Cinema would add to the neighbourhood
A good CD shop or a decent Art Gallery
You won the lottery and bought a place there…really!
You must love boredom!
St. John’s Wood
is no good

Happy New Year

In the New Year I pledge
to listen to more Sister Sledge
and to visit Alderleyedge
That’s it really…

The Iberian Peninsula

I’d love to tour the Iberian Penninsula
on a train one day, take lots of good pictures
and sell them all for 50 bucks each
Spend the odd hour lying on a beach
In the grip of a depression. Can’t get no release
In the Iberian Penninsula I could find some peace
Strolling through the galleries and market stalls
Of bustling cities in Spain and Portugal
would be just great
So much better than this current state…I find myself in

The People of Zimbabwe

Open your hearts for the people of Zimbabwe
For it can’t be easy living under Mugabe
and his tyrannical reign
Inflation rocketing again
How much is a loaf of bread this week?
Life for the citizens of Zimbabwe is bleak
The developed nations cannot turn a deaf ear
Continue to ignore what is happening there
The people of Zimbabwe
We hear about your plight on our TV
I signed a petition once in The Strand
We need others out there to make a stand
With Mugabe,we need to get tough
A united effort. Enough is enough
Then the people of Zimbabwe
Will once again be free

The Land of the Rip-Off Merchants

If it was down to W.H.Smith
England would not be the land of the free
But the land of the expensive!
95p for a biro–You’re havin’ a laugh!
Their staff are not particularly friendly either
helpful or indeed knowledgeable
Maybe I’m ignorant when it comes to economics
But I simply don’t understand how…
cheaper shops with better trained staff
have gone under years ago
While W.H.Smith survive every recession
A nagging feeling that W.H.Smith will still be
ripping people off in 50 years’ time
Unless of course, there’s a nuclear war before then!
W.H.Smith, you give retail a bad name!

Tictacs, Not Tactics +

They’re trying to make a simple game complicated
With their 4–4–2s,4—5–1 or 4–3–3s
talk of “Diamond” formations and “Christmas trees”
There should be no place in “The Beautiful Game” for dull and stuffy tactics
Just stick it in the “Onion Bag” and leave the rest to the academics
Games are not won or lost on the chalkboard
All this technical bullshit just leaves me bored!
As for Tictacs, I like the green ones and the orange ones!

+ mints

A Day in The Priory

Woke up in The Priory
Nothing on TV
except horse racing and some dull black and white movie
At St. Clements no beds
So got sent here instead
In this picturesque setting
The 5 star treatment I’m getting
How privileged I am to stay in The Priory
The temporary home of many a celebrity
What can I say?
‘though only here for a day
Then get the tube to my flat in Aldgate East
I’m rather disappointed to say the least
Would have liked a longer stay
But it was great anyway
Everyone deserves luxury now and then…

(The Priory in Roehampton, South London)

The Tramp Versus Jennifer Lopez

The tramp don’t make the headlines in “Hello”, “The Sun” or “O.K.”
Most people just want him to finish his beer and go away
No one’s interested in the life of the tramp
His shoes worn out, his cardboard box, damp
Meanwhile Miss Lopez’s life is going rather well
But the tramp has a REAL story to tell!

Wrapped Up in Books

“Cider With Rosie” was witty and interesting
“An Inspector Calls” poignant and arresting
And “Bleak House” did him no apparent harm
But when he read Orwell’s “Animal Farm”
It made him see pigs in a whole new light!

Up a Lazy River

Up a lazy river with you
Sharing a pear cider or two
You topless, soakin’ in the sun
Our thoughts soon turn to adult fun
Cause I’m a man of the world
And you babe, ain’t a nun!
Floatin’ up a lazy river with you
I don’t really care where we’re headin’ to
Up a lazy river with you
Relaxed, takin’ in the view
This day I will never forget
We make short work of the picnic basket
Up a lazy river with you
Gene Vincent on Radio 2
As the sailboat heads for the river bend
Soon this glorious summer adventure will end
I’ll head back to my home and my college books
But I’ll always remember the girl with the film star looks!…

The Brylcreem Days

He recalls with fondness, the Brylcreem days
When going to a drive-in movie was the craze
With a stunning gal on his arm
He reassured her she’d come to no harm
For, she’d heard he was a wild boy
The 1950s he did enjoy
Buddy Holly and Gene Vincent at The High School Disco
He’d dance with Mary Lou, from Cleveland, Ohio
Oh! How he loved The Brylcreem days
Alas, now they’re just a blurred haze
As for Mary Lou, his red hot teenage lover
He married her and now she’s a grandmother
The Brylcreem days
The Brylcreem days…

Formula One

Those Formula One cars go so very fast
A blur at Silverstone. Damon Hill just went passed
Michael Schumacher: So good in the rain
There he is on the podium again
Drowning everyone with champagne
I used to enjoy watching the exploits of Nikki Lauda
Alain Prost, Nelson Piquet and the hilarious Murray Walker
in the 80s. But I don’t watch Formula One anymore
Cause there’s no overtaking in it now. It’s become a bore!

Van Der Valk

Van Der Valk: Fighting crime is his passion
Just a shame about that 70s fashion!
In the land of windmills
There’s enough thrills
in every episode to keep you watching
Another murderous plot unravelling
For, Van Der Valk is indeed a clever copper
Played so well by the late Barry Foster
And his sidekick, the young, enthusiastic Kroon
The murder case solved by late afternoon
Then return home to Arlette, his beautiful wife
Classical vinyl and fine home cooking…Quite a life…
Van Der Valk does lead
And he always succeeds
‘Though he ruffles a few feathers,including that,of his boss
And some of his cases perplexing,but not a dead loss
For, the persistent, cigar smoking, Van Der valk
Will always find a way to make the villains talk
Van Der Valk, Van Der Valk
A mountain of paperwork…
And a visit to the morgue, later that day,no doubt
For, this is what a Commissariss’s routine is about
Van Der Valk,i have no regrets
purchasing your boxset
Quality TV in my living room
And what’s more, a hummable theme tune!

And Now…The Weather

Zeinab Badawi, Zeinab Badawi
You brightened up dull days in the 80s
And made me forget
getting soaking wet…
3 times in one week
You were fantastic
A ray of sunshine
I wanted you to be mine
All teenage boys do, is fantasize
I guess that’s why, they’ll never be worldly wise
African Princess, I loved you to bits
If you’d been my lover I’d have let you squeeze my zits!
I’d have taken you to “Pizza Hut” in Swindon
Zeinab Badawi: A stunningly beautiful woman
I saw you on TV
only recently
I have to say, you’ve aged well
In your 50s now, but still look swell
Zeinab Badawi
Zeinab Badawi

The Silver Screen

Your life is like a Hollywood movie!
Pass the popcorn!

500 A.D.

He hadn’t eaten for days
Got caught nicking a loaf of bread
The village “Dreadful” have their ways
Hung him until he was dead!

What Love Means To Her

Miss, have you ever been in love?
Of course you have. It’s what you dream of
You build yourself Castles In The Air
When love’s around, you wish you were there
She’s been in love so many times
And to her, it’s so sublime
And not at all surreal
She likes the way it makes her feel
Love, to her, is an exotic place
Or indeed a smiling face
This is what love means to her…

Surreal Poem (Part One)

I’d like to be thrown by a bull in a rodeo
Or go back to ol’ England and visit a freak show!
I’d like to meet up with knights so bald
That’s why they wore helmets, I’m told
Fighting fire breathing dragons
at feminist conventions!
I’d like to turn blue in the freezing cold
I’d like to be still chasing skirt when I’m old
I’d like to be a cowboy in The Wild West
Chasing Red Indians, it’s what they do best
Not some cowboy plumber with tattoos and man breasts
I’d like to be a maniac. I’d like to be obsessed
I’d like to be a fly on the wall
listening in on government secrets in Whitehall
Or stay in a “Trusthouse Forte” on the middle east roadmap
Watch a Spanish league game that’s absolutely crap!
I’d like to be a fire eater or a circus clown
Or some drunken lunatic chased out of town!
Not being cruel or even unkind
But as long as it’s a Welsh town, I really wouldn’t mind
I’d like to be a bandit robbing a stagecoach
I’d like to be a sewer rat or a cockroach
Get some crummy hotel or hospital as well
Closed down for good. That would be just swell
I’d like to dine Haute Cuisine in a “Greasy Spoon”
Or run over “Mickey Mouse” in a car–toon
I’d like to take a black and white photograph
Of The Loch Ness Monster in Dagenham, for a laugh
Finally, I’d like to tap dance and fall in the sink!
Go to Hull city centre and film the missing link!

The Ballad of Moscow

(written in 2008)

Poor ol’ John Terry slipped in the rain
Down the King’s Road they felt his pain
All those yuppies crying in their beer
Dreaming they’d win it next year
Roman Abrahamovich
can’t help but feel sick
Chelsea’s Champion’s league obsession
While Man. U’s players lead a victory procession
Man. U, Man. U
We love you
Man. U, Man. U
Chelsea feeling blue

The Aliens are Coming

A fleet of UFOs fills the blue skies
While down below, people run for their lives
“Quick, hide in the barn, warn the children too”
“Phone the authorities, they’ll know what to do”
Some villagers are gathering up arms”
and moving the livestock off of their farms
to a place of safety, nearby
The armed forces arrive, with missiles in tow
A direct hit! They come crashing below

Jim’s sitting on a hill, smoking his cannabis
and wondering what to make of all this
How can we make such rash judgements already
These aliens from afar, could be friendly
The aliens are coming, followed by an unruly rabble
The aliens are coming, I wonder if they play “Scrabble!”

Things You Won’t Find in a Charity Shop

A Persian rug
Wonder drug
A season ticket for Man. U
(Maybe Leyton Orient!)
A Faberge’ egg
Keys to a Lamborghini
Deeds to a Mayfair flat
Original Picasso
Penny black or Penny red
Ming vase
Bang Olufsen widescreen TV
Several bars of gold bullion
Beethoven music score
Rolex watch
Stradavarius
OK that’s enough

Ode to Eric

Just who is this Eric Cantona?
Footballer, painter and filmstar
This legend
of The Stretford End
who soared like a seagull in the air
to nod home a Giggs cross while the goalie clutched thin air
What next for the man, who kung fu kicked a “Palace” yob into row J
and had his name plastered across the tabloids the very next day
This gallic genius
wouldn’t go amiss
in any football hall of fame
At Old Trafford, they still sing his name
I’d have loved to seen Eric as a “Match Of The Day” pundit
Boring Lineker can choke on his crisps! Eric, you’ve got it (charisma, that is)
Or one day take the reins at Man.U
But the New York Cosmos job beckoned too
What next for King Eric, a “Palme d’or”
Or literary prize, Eric knows the score

Rendezvous in Dagenham

I swear the girl from Essex couldn’t be much dumber
Said she preferred Donor Kebab to Donna Summer!
And she never really cared for me anyway
She’s rather watch the “soaps” or head for St. Tropez
for a rip-off fake tan
I’d be better off with this beer can
Cause where there’s no trust
Just carnal lust…ain’t good
And her madness it never ends!
So I left her and her silly friends
and caught the bus home…

Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know

What can you say about Lord Byron
that hasn’t already been said
Some people you’re glad that they’re alive
Other people you’re glad that they’re dead!

The Metropolitan Line+

Oh how I love The Metropolitan line
Goes all the way to Watford. How divine!
Not to mention Baker Street and The Barbican
Or watch England win at Wembley stadium
Yes, the purple line can’t be beat
And you can always get a seat
Be it Christmas, rush hour or pub closing time
I never knew tube travel could be so sublime
I boarded it at Aldgate sometime last year
Found a brand-new “Big Issue” and a full can of beer!

+Written several years ago

Little Boy in the Candy Store

A little boy in the candy store
Chocolate, sweets and lollipops galore
They also sell
biscuits as well
Bourbons, Garibaldi and Custard Creams
This place is a virtual palace of dreams
The white mice
looked so nice
The licorice
on the dish
Then there’s the fizzy Cola bottles and Smarties
Alas, the boy has only got a few pennies
But the kindly shopkeeper puts him at ease
“You can have an assortment for 20p!”
“And I’ll throw in a biscuit too”
“Which one, is up to you”
“And remember to tell your friends where my shop is”
“Cause you need all the help you can get, when you’re in business”
The little boy left straight away
And brought 3 of his pals ’round the next day

+ Set in the 70s

The Brainy Chick

You’ve read Alexander Dumas
And you’ve been to The Sorbonne
I have to say brainy chicks
don’t usually turn me on
But there’s something about you
Can’t get you out of my head
You’ve never given me reason to doubt you
And I’d like you in my bed
You can speak 7 different languages, including Cantonese
You’re a high powered lawyer representing refugees
Now, I know our half-baked immigration policy is a mess
But to be honest babe, I like you best when you’re under duress
It brings out the best in you
You’re looking to release all that nervous tension
Come back to my place is my suggestion
I’ll put a Motown record on
Heavy Metal or Elton John
You’re such a brainy chick…’Fraid i can’t compete
I need to win a “Scrabble” league….Cause you got me beat
Then before I know it, I’ll be on “Easy Street”
French girl, Oh! French girl, you’ve made my life complete
As Deborah Harry would say
How about some French kissing in the U.K
OK, she actually said the U.S.A
But I don’t live in Boston…And poetic license goes a long way

Fluent In B******t!

• 

Boris Johnson

A bloated “Old Etonian”

Absolutely full of it

With a fluency in b******t !

Andrew Biggs , an a******e and a “Shrink” is he

He Knows Jacks*** ! despite possessing a P.H.D

Donald Trump is a f*****g git !

Yet one more public figure, fluent in b******t !

In fact, he’s like a moron on steroids !

Switch on the television, he’s hard to avoid

Fluent in b******t , are the people at the top

Their varying levels of crap don’t stop

Fluent in b******t

Fluent in b******t…….

The Ugliest Fish In The Sea

• 

• 

• 

The ugliest fish in the sea

Up close on the B.B.C

The underwater cameraman got quite a scare

When he ventured into it’s habitat and caught sight of it’s glare

The ugliest fish in the sea

Makes for really great t.v

Space 1999

• 

• 

Drifting into outer space

A series of explosions on moonbase

A race against time, running low on supplies

Millions of miles from Earth. Searching for a world to colonize

And not entirely sure

What they’re letting themselves in for

Space 1999 i loved it in my childhood and yet

Now it seems even better as an adult, with the box set

On a nostalgia trip yet again

As decades go by, like a high speed train

Space 1999 quite a story

Space 1999 in all it’s glory

Space 1999 ….What wonderful hours viewing time , in store

Space 1999 is captivating me once more

Space 1999 adventures galore

Even the theme tune, i still adore

Space 1999…..

The Marmalade Incident

• 

Paddington Bear found his way from deepest darkest Peru to London town

Where he was adopted into the loving home of mr and mrs.Brown

The adventures, this adorable bear…

in his new home, was sure to have there

Paddington and the Brown’s. A mutual respect

This bear with suitcase, jar of Marmalade, armed with his intellect

Paddington bear

It would only be fair

To say how much i loved the books in my childhood

And both the movies were really oh so good

Paddington oh Paddington, in your short stay

You enriched the Brown’s lives in so many ways

And they left a marked impression on you

Paddington Bear, from Peru to Westminster, we love you !

Storm In A Teacup

• 

• 

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter, methinks

That Joey did cheat his way to victory over Paul at “Tiddley winks”….

at school, yesterday morning

Suddenly, without warning

Paul did attack joey with a chair

For such petty outrage, the Headmaster did not care

He tore into both of them in his office

“A telling off for now, will suffice”

“But i really must stress, if it happens again….

You’ll both feel the might of my cane”

So they both promised that in future they’d be good

Then off to the canteen, for Chips, Faggots and Sticky Toffee pud

Psychiatric Ward Blues

• 

Psychiatric hospital blues

Time spent there, you would not chose

Those psychiatric ward blues

As an inmate with several issues

Issues with some of the staff

And the food, you’re havin’ a laugh

Psychiatric ward blues

You’ve really got nothing to lose

Except that is, your sanity

Hurlin’ some well chosen profanity…

In the senior staff nurses ear

You can forget ’bout freedom ’til some time next year

Ward round. Face to face with the “Shrink” today

The sheer tedium of another lengthy stay

Those Psychiatric ward blues

Systematic abuse

A course of Electro Convulsive Torture for you

You may protest, but the “Shrinks” know best, they do

Those Psychiatric ward blues….

She’s Sexy and She Knows It

• 

She’s sexy and she knows it

Your mind, she will blow it

She is an amazing actress. The French Monroe

She breezes into Cannes, with entourage in tow

On the beach, you are sure to find her

Sipping fresh orange juice , next to her minder

Busy signing autographs

Posing for photographs

She is tipped for super stardom

Not forgetting the humble background she came from

She’s sexy and she knows it

Your mind, she will blow it

Has any woman in history….

Ever looked as good as her, in a bikini

She’s sexy and she knows it

Your mind she will blow it

Reality Check

• 

David’s Career advisor could just about keep a straight face

“You want to go into politics to make the world a better place !”

“You’re clearly havin’ a laugh” he said

“I’ve got you a job as a pig farmer instead”

Diana Rigg

• 

Alice Cooper wore your image on a t-shirt….

Diana Rigg ….as he strolled through Heathrow airport

You said George Lazenby’s breath stank….

During the love scenes. A sherry or 3 you sank…..

In The New Avengers, where you Karate kicked your way

into the annals of t.v history

Diana Rigg R.I.P

Signing Off, Pissed Off

• 

I yearn for a girl who’ll pay attention to me

Not the latest “app” on her f****** “Samsung Galaxy”

I am sure i am not alone

in cursing mobile phones

Anti-social, they are

In a cafe or a bar….

I would love to see…

a “Bird” gazing aimlessly

And i can approach her and talk about the arts

She won’t judge me, if during the chat, i fart

With the onset of “Smartphone” obsession

single guys like me, have been left behind

The stunning “Babes” out there, have a passion

for “apps” that simply blow their mind

It’s me and the “Androids” ‘ fraid i can’t compete

Those evil “Smartphones” have got me beat

Life for a single guy is tough

Here i am, signing off…..