Monthly Archives: March 2017

Join The Armed Forces


bush-faces-of-the-dead-largeuncle sammanu_zpsf5846e32-2-680x365


Join the army, navy, air force

So that you can kill people

And when you get back home to Blighty

The queen will give you a medal

That’s the sick and twisted world we are living in my friend

I say sign up for peace and buck the trend

No more wars

For whatever pointless cause….

Uncle Sam

Sent you to die in Vietnam

No more war

No more war

You’re Not From Round Here, Luv



Zax the Martian’s spaceship crashlanded on Earth

On a council tip in Bolton for what it’s worth

Dazed and confused he staggered down the street

A friendly old couple with their dog Fido, he did meet

“Hello, chuck, you’re not from round here”

“Won’t you join us in The Dog And Duck for a beer”

“I know a mechanic.He can get your space ship fixed in no time at all”

“After a game of darts that is, with the local area champion Paul”

“You’ll find we’re a friendly lot in Bolton”

“Here lad with the strange name, it’s your turn”

“By eck! Double top  first dart, that’s reet grand!”

A bullseye and treble 15 with the remaining arrows in his hand

“135 your go next Paul, lad”

“Another century….not half bad”

“Zax next….180. Looks like the trophy might be going to you”

Meanwhile some lads walk in happy from The Reebok having won at home to Crewe

Jim who went to the game

Approaches Zax and asks him his name

“See you’re pretty useful with the arrows lad”

“‘Though the opposition ‘aint half bad”

“100 pretty damn good score”

“Not seen you round these parts before”

“Can i get you a pint of ale Zax”

“I’ll take that nod as a yes, shall i”

“You seem to be the quiet type”

“Just missed the treble 20 Paul, good try”

And so it was that Zax won the area darts trophy

And left Lancashire, Mars bound at a quarter past 3

With a belly full of ale and chips wrapped in The Daily Mirror

As his spaceship jettisoned off he cut an extremely happy figure…..The End



The High St Demon



Do you recall when they used to try and kill us all with salt

If you gorged yourself on processed food it must be your fault

Now, sugar is the new high st demon….obesity, heart disease

Half your teeth have rotted away and prone to type A Diabetes

Sugar is the high st demon

Cut down before it’s too late

Sugar is the high st demon

From fizzy drinks to chocolate

Sugar is the high st demon


Sugar is the high st demon

get wise

What Did Pavarotti Eat?



What did Luciano Pavarotti eat?

Pasta dishes, Pizza, Ice cream treat

I wonder, what did Pavarotti eat

Biscuits no doubt, cake too and lots of sweets

Luciano Pavarotti

Italian for gluttony….What on earth did he eat?

With every morbidly obese opera singer, he could compete

Pavarotti: What did he eat?

A ton of fried food

Just to be rather crude

Pavarotti :What did he eat?

A Special Kind Of Shite!


dutch league

“We are De Graafschap”

“Absolutely f****** cr**!”

An embarrassment to the Erividersie

PSV, Feyenoord, Ajax please show mercy

“We are De Graafschap”

falling foul of the offside trap

That is on the rare occasions their players cross the halfway line

Penned back by AZ Alkmaar.Losing football matches by grand design

“We are De Graafschap, We are De Graafschap”

“We stand by the fact that we are f****** cr**!”

“WE are De Graafschap”

“Dutch for f****** cr**!”….’Though fiercly loyal our fans are

Losing 3-0 at home to Vitesse Arnhem…see you after in the bar

“We are De Graafschap”

Funny Old Game


Nigel Pearson, Sunderland v Leicester Cityfoxes triumphant


Funny old game as some one once said

Leicester city all but dead…

and buried 2 seasons ago .Burnley-v-Leicester-City-Premier-Leaguechampions-league-2017-leicester-city-sevilla-kickoff-time-live-stream-tv-odds-prediction-ofiNXF

At odds of 1,000 to ! they won the English title

Then under Rainieri sliding towards the drop zone

Craig Shakespeare steadied the ship .Sevilla’s players sent home

With their tails between their legs ….whatever next in this fascinating tale

Of the foxes from The King Power. Into Europe’s elite waters they set sail….

Newbury Street



A stroll down Boston’s Newbury street

Could make my whole life complete

A stroll down Newbury street ….wear  a smile

In the autumn … dine out New England style

Take in an art gallery

A boutique or 3

Take a stroll down Newbury street

In Massachussettes find your feet

The Life Of Twain



Twain, he spent his solitary life

In the north of Finland without a wife

Just his dog Sibelius and a bottle of gin

As yet another cold dark day drew in

He heard a gunshot.It came from nearby

The 25th suicide this week you could cry

He himself, was rather depressed, to a neighbour, he did reveal

The only thing saving his sanity was his hound and his potters wheel

Then one day Twain won the Finnish lottery jackpot

He and his dog moved to Spain.Both happy living where it’s hot.

Now he’s met a local lass he’s even happier still

Given up the gin too….of cold dark days he’d had his fill

So the ballad of Twain draws to a close

He made a bonfire of all his winter clothes…………The End