The truck driver
picked up a hitchiker
on the way to Amsterdam
A manic smile “Hi! My name’s Sam”
“Nice to meet you, my name’s Dave”
“I see, tell me are you brave?”
Dave pondered “Strange question”
“I’ve got the courage of a lion”
Dave took 2 manly chunks out of his “Yorkie” bar
Then parked his truck…
at a service station next to 2 police cars
Sam cursed his bad luck
An unhealthy fry up and a mug of black coffee for Dave
A passing stare at the 2 coppers there…with his mad eyes, Sam gave
If you like suspense
Dave went to the Gents
after reading “The Sun” newspaper
Sam followed him 10 seconds later
While Dave was having a quick piss
Sam saw no better chance than this
He slowly reached for a knife in his pocket
He’d already checked out the cafe’s possible exits
But Dave had one eye on the toilet mirror
As Sam crept up behind him real sinister
Dave turned round in a flash and punched Sam in the jaw
Now he’s lying bleeding all over the toilet floor
And the 2 coppers needed a piss as well
So now Sam’s doing life in a Hull Prison cell.
If I was rich I’d live in hotel suites in far-flung places like Montreal
With ever so posh carpet and surrealist art prints on the lounge wall
I’d be a loafer
on the sofa
Wide-screen TV tuned in to the football channel
Designer bathroom-“Daffy Duck” towels and flannel
An elegant marble statue
of a naked beauty or two
and a breathtaking view…
out my hotel window
microwave, kettle, fridge and stereo
Yes sir, if money was no object…
hotel suite luxury is the least I’d expect
I’d tip the chambermaid a hundred quid
cause she was a stunner and kept the room tidy, she did
If I was rich I’d live in hotel suites ’cause they’re so cool
Look, this one overlooks a swimming pool
If I was rich I’d live in hotel suites in Lisbon
Marrakesh, Vienna, Prague and Lyon
A hotel suite in central Chicago would be nice
Or one in splendid Toronto-You wouldn’t have to ask twice
Room Service…12-inch pizza
and Kopperberg pear cider
A pot plant in the corner…no doubt
I wouldn’t be in a hurry to check out
After a hard day’s sightseeing
Hotel suites: ideal for relaxing
Hotel suite lifestyle would be so laidback and easy
So I’ll have to sell shedloads of art or win the lottery!
Dracula’s Castle… A bit of an anti-climax
For he wasn’t a blood-sucking vampire, that’s a fact
But Dracula’s Castle could still be worth a visit, though
Given the opportunity, I think I would go… To Dracula’s Castle
For, Dracula’s Castle could be an amazing place
Yes, a trip to Dracula’s Castle… Leaving with a smile on your face
is extremely boring!
A complete and utter waste of time
That they call it an Olympic sport’s a crime!
How can they give out medals for that, I ask you
and dressage should be boycotted too.
Imagine being stranded in Cowdenbeath
You missed the last train and robbed by a thief!
You scribble down a poem to describe your grief
Only you really know what you’re feeling underneath
Then you get talking to Heather-The girl with perfect teeth
All of a sudden despite your trauma…In life, you’ve found belief
Being broke will pass, you’ve found a local lass and discovered Cowdenbeath!
We just got the 4-minute warning
It came at 10 this morning
How shall we spend our last 4 minutes in this world
Some serious snogging with a C.N.D girl!
Or microwave a cheese and onion pasty
and gulp it down before things turn nasty!
Or listen to a pop song
one that’s about 4 minutes long
No time to boil and drink a cup of tea
Or say goodbye to friends and family
We’ve only got 4 minutes…
My father is a “Quack”, my uncle’s a “Shrink”
There’s no hope for me…I need a stiff drink
My neighbour’s a Tory
He doesn’t know it – But he bores me!
and my new girlfriend’s in C.I.D
Someone put an end to this misery
There are books on how to get rich quick
Books on D.I.Y that are 6 inches thick
Books on how to be a better lover
I just want to run for cover!
Why are there no books on how to escape dodgy people?
From police grasses to fools, bores and the downright evil
People with their opinions…Which always clash with mine
People who give bad advice all the fucking time!
“I am a humanitarian”
said the stunning librarian
Well, I am not and never have been
havin’ a midlife crisis-and my wee has turned green!
Annoying people-Why don’t you just leave me alone?
No doubt, in the future, some mad scientist will clone…you all
So the likes of me can be driven up the wall
As an old boy once said, “The more I see of human nature the more I like my dog”
I’d quite like to live in a remote Scottish town submerged by thick fog
At least then I wouldn’t be able to see the wankers anymore
And all that lovely scenery, just the tonic for me “Scotland, I adore!”
So maybe I should save my money and spend quality time in Inverness
That could be just the answer to all my problems…Yes!
my friend Graham’s daughter lives there
She’s not annoying and seems to care
We could go to an Inverness cafe and share a scone
Just take my camera. Leave behind my mobile phone
Inverness “Cally” Thistle football ground
This is the new paradise I have found