Monthly Archives: December 2015

The Cow Shed

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I used to eat cheese ’til the cows come home

Now  i photograph fields where they do roam

I used to love St.Agur i thought it was the best

But i forsake it, for i don’t want a cardiac arrest

I used to gorge myself on Cheddar

Feta, Port Salut, Brie, Camembert

Gouda, Red Leicester

Edam, Double Gloucester

Snap the countryside with a Nikon if you please

Snap the  dormouse in the farmhouse….Say Cheese!

WIth plenty of grass the cow must be fed

Then straight off  she goes to the cow  shed

 

 

A Break From Poetry (part3-Jokes)

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What do you call a scouser in a suit? the accused

+Thanks to an asian guy from Preston lancashire for that joke

Why did the jews wander the desert for 40 years? someone dropped a quid

Jesus went into the Red Lion in West Ham he approached a man with a limp…he touched him on the leg…The man started dancing

Then Jesus put down his glass of claret and approached a deaf man

He put his hands on his ears all of a sudden the man could hear the jukebox “Yes!”

Then Jesus approached a man with his arm in a sling and a patch over one eye ……….He screamed at Christ “Go away! Go away! I’ll lose all my benefits!”

One sheep to another in a pub in Cardiff

“What was that welshman like in bed?”

“Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!”

Hitler turned up at The Pearly gates …Jesus answered the door

Hitler said  “If you let me in i’ll give you this Iron cross”

Jesus said “You killed thousands of jews go away”

HItler was persistent “Don’t you want an iron cross?”

Jesus hesitated “Wait there”

Jesus went off to see his Dad..”God, Hitler’s at the door he says if i let him in he’ll give me an iron cross”

God  (In his Brian Blessed voice:) “An Iron cross! You couldn’t carry a wooden one you kept dragging it!”

The pissed darts player ……..Fatal rebound “One nun dead and 80!”

What do you call a scotsman and a jew walking down the road? a pair of tights!

Dave to Clive in East Ham “You’d laugh to see a blind man fall over”

Clive “Who do you think it was who pushed him”

Flash Floods

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Flash floods in Yorkshire get the sandbags out

The south coast will suffer next no doubt

Those lucky londoners

Saved by the thames barrier

More perilous days and nights to endure

In the coming days more rain to fall i’m sure

Storms heading to this small island Flash flood

Gale force winds fell trees ….Cars stranded in the mud

Cameron pretends he cares

But he has nothing to worry about

He can always beat a hasty retreat in his helicopter, no doubt

Be home in time to watch Downtown Abbey repeats

Then next day the battered coastal people will take to the streets

Flash floods

Pensioners soaked in mud

Flash floods…………

Sitting In Your Underpants(Listening To Cole Porter)

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Relaxing in my underpants….

Listening to Cole Porter as if by chance

With an Italian beer

Even found a dead mouse in here

I left him out falafel …Mice prefer cheese

Sitting in my underpants…Listening to Cole Porter if you please

Relaxing in my underpants

Listening to Cole Porter …King of Romance

If it works why knock it

Yank out the plug socket..then retire to bed

Sam Fox Is Gay

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Sam Fox is a lesbian….One day she found a vixen

It came in through the back door and settled in the kitchen

That made the news headlines in The Sun

In The Independent it never got a mention

Sam Fox is gay who would’ve guessed

She left Murdoch’s tawdry rag behind

Sam Fox always impressed

She wants to be remembered for her mind

I’m sure she is quite clever

But tire of seeing her topless, never

Rani From The N.H.S

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Rani from the N.H.S

A stunner and a success

Not a scouser but a Liverpool fan

Whoever ends up with her will be a lucky man(Or woman)

Rani from the N.H.S

Clever, a resounding yes!

Rani from Roman ward

Such charisma can’t be ignored…

Rani from the N.H.S

Grafting hard under duress

Rani from the N.H.S deserves a pay rise

A grand  a week Cameron, get wise

Rani from the N.H.S

A stunner ..yes