Monthly Archives: May 2012

Rottweiler Smile


Her looks were nothing to write home about
Looked like she’d been in a 10 round bout…with Mike Tyson
She had no dress sense or sense of style
stank of booze and a Rottweiler smile!
The seductive powers of Medusa!
Carniverous and a cocaine abuser!
The runt of the litter
with the ethics of Hitler!
Owned a caravan in Tottenham
and a council flat in Tiger Bay
Had an Osmonds CD too
Her mad persona always got in the way
on a crash collision course with his
and she never would mind her own business
He gave her a present, a “Venus Fly Trap!”
for all the countless hours she’d bored him with her crap!
So he dumped her for a beautiful stranger
much better sex and a lot less danger!


Killer Disease


Killer disease, killer disease
It has come from overseas
Worse than cancer, worse even than AIDS
worse than syphilis and the bubonic plague
Worse than leukaemia and swine flu
But don’t panic, the scientist will know what to do
The scientist has the talent to cure the disease we all despise
But you’d better hurry up Mr. Scientist, for in India, they’re dropping like flies
I’m sure mankind can cope
‘Cause there’s always hope

Livin’ It Up With The Orangemen


Come to the Netherlands and feel alive
Come here and meet the men who are 6 feet 5
Come here and do as you please
Sniff tulips and eat lots of cheese
You can play the Dutch at their own game
But don’t try and pronounce their street names
Come to the Netherlands ’til you’ve had your fill
of cycle lanes, canals and windmills
You can take in some really great art
and most of ’em won’t mind if you fart
cause they’re not the stuffy English
They’re the extremely tolerant Dutch
Tour their country top to bottom, if you wish
and leave thankin’ ’em very much
for their hospitality
and the versatility…
of their architecture, shouldn’t go unnoticed
and you can even try walkin’ in clogs if you’re pissed!
on “Grolsch”, it’s their favourite beer
and please come back again next year.

The Night Shift Yawn


Copyright to

The night shift yawn at London A and E
A caffeine injection is needed, see
But alas, the vending machine is all out of coffee
Fortunately, the security guard bloke
is there armed with bottles of Pepsi and Coke
Can there be many places as busy
as Accident and Emergency
Exhausted London A and E staff
Their take-home pay – you’re havin’ a laugh
So, David Cameron, drastically increase their pay
‘Cause who knows, you may be dependent on the N.H.S. one day!



Shania Twain is a Canadian
and an extremely beautiful woman
I’ll bet she loves the Stanley Cup
Racoons, chipmunks and maple syrup
Shania Twain, you, I do adore
I’d like to take you to Moose Jaw
Shania Twain, Shania Twain, Shania Twain
Your songs are sunshine after the rain
Shania Twain, I could photograph you in the snow
In Labrador City, Halifax or Toronto
I’d like to share a log cabin with you, drinkin’ Canada Dry
Or go swimming in a lake – then a veggie stirfry
Shania Twain, Shania Twain, Shania Twain
The emotions you stir in me I can’t explain
Shania Twain is a Canadian
and an extremely beautiful woman

Cool Cats


She said “I didn’t know you could dance like that”
She was amazed, “You know, you are one cool cat”
He always told her the truth
and invited her onto the roof
‘Cause this cool cat
knows where it’s at
at night time the rooftops of Paris come alive
Sammy plays saxophone, the other cats jive
Later, there’ll be more jivin’ to jazz on the stairs
out into the street, dancin’ without a care
Then at the break of dawn, they’ll come back
To their owners home for a snack
Pepperoni pizza
and milk for the jazz lovers

Brilliant is a World with ABBA in


“Sitting in a palm tree” in my “Tropical Loveland”
Just you and me listening to some “Rock ‘n’ Roll Band”
on our medium wave radio, yes…
Then on very high frequency, “S.O.S”
She said to me “Honey, Honey”
Let me help you spend your “Money, Money, Money”
What about “The King Kong Song”
a classic, but just 3 minutes long
“Another Town, Another Train”
“Knowing Me, Knowing You” we can deal with the pain
“Ring, Ring” the telephone rang
“Does Your Mother Know” Bjorn sang
You’re not a has-been
You’re a “Dancing Queen”
“Voulez-Vous” “Voulez-Vous”
“Finally facin’ my Waterloo”
“Lovers Live a little longer”
with their “Kisses Of Fire”
“and you’re only smilin’
when you play your violin…
your darlin’ fiddle”
“Hey, Hey Helen” You’d better “Watch Out”
ABBA were one of the best bands ever without a doubt