Monthly Archives: December 2018

What Would George Do?



Missed the last bus .I live 10 miles from the bus station.

I wonder, what would George do in this situation?

I called his mobile.But he’s not answering.

No doubt some hot blonde, he’s screwing!

George is a success he drives an Audi.

He’s been my role model since i was 23.

What would George do ?

What would George do?

Now the rain is pouring down.It’s driving me mad.

Meanwhile “Perfect” George has been exposed as a cad!

Yes what use is it after all, being an “Alpha Male”

When you’ve been stripped of your assets and sewing mailbags in Jail!

The P***head Profession



The Medical Profession….

In the pub learning life’s lesson.

Cause every “Shrink”

needs a stiff drink.

you old cynic, won’t you cut that G.P some slack

Don’t you know he needs anotherĀ  Cognac.

It’s refreshing to know the same profession

who prescribe us all kinds of evil medications.

Are drinking themselves, save…

into a somewhat early grave.

Where Did It All Go Wrong? (Part 2**Autobiographical)



I was a child prodigy.

Can’t believe what’s happened to me.

I went to a bad school.

I was bullied .So uncool.

Now here i am years later, institutionalized.

All that potentialĀ  that wasn’t realized.

Now i’m nearly 50 at life’s crossroads.

Still can’t shake off this E postcode.

Not getting nearly enough sex.

My life is f*****g complex.

And i’m still taking medication.More’s the pity.

Maybe i should’ve moved to a smaller city.

To much competition for creative types here.

And london is the single capital. think i need a few beers….

to drown away all my sorrows….

But i haven’t given up on my tomorrows.

Maintain that sunny persona, despite everything.

One day i’ll rule the Art world. one day i will be King.

My 50’s could be my “Golden Age”

When i present myself on life’s glittering stage.

Then i’ll look back one glorious night…..

From some stunning babe’s bed and say “Where did it all go so right?”


Elizabeth and Me



Elizabeth, Elizabeth

I love you but you have foul breath.

Cause you see….

You smoke like a chimney!

Elizabeth you are quite the looker.

You could’ve made a fortune as a hooker…..or a porn star.

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, i adore you miss.

‘Though i have to endure your halitosis.

I bought you a bottle of Peppermint mouthwash for your birthday.

Now, snogging you is fun.Before it was like kissing an ashtray!

Elizabeth, Elizabeth

Who no longer has foul breath.

But Elizabeth has been driven to drink.

Cause ‘though she’s cleaned up her act. My farts really stink!

I’m afraid nothing beats the sheer relevance….

Of a chronic bout of flatulence.

Now, constant farting is not a crime.

But on our relationship, i had to call time.

I am a man of simple means.

And i must stop scoffing Baked Beans.

Elizabeth you and me….

Could’ve rode life’s Merry-go-round joyfully.

But alas it clearly wasn’t to be.


Jonathan and Kate


“You’re not a nice personĀ  Jonathon”

“The mother of all break ups….”

“You keep saying i’m fat”

“You’re not a nice person Jonathon”

“You’re racist and homophobic”

“And you think you’re where it’s at”

“You’re all ego…”

“Don’t you know”

“My best friend Susan…”

“Saw you kick a tramp Jonathon…”

“Only Yesterday.”

“Someone’s gonna make you pay….one day”

“’til that day comes Jonathon….”

“Don’t mind me while i shack up with Susan”

“She’ll be the kind of lover….”

“That you never were”

“Caring and what’s more, sensitive”

“I feel sorry for the next girl you end up with”

“For, you’re a ba***** Jonathon, if you know what i mean”

“Now feel free to delete this message from your answer machine”

“The 5 years i spent with you, i did suffocate”

“Now, so happy to move on, your ex, Kate!”

The Paramedic



The Paramedic saves lives.

Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives.

The Paramedic is an unsung hero.

It’s not reflected in his or her salary ‘though.

They deserve a 50% pay rise.

So come on Health Secretary, get wise!

Cause one day you might need them too.

Personally i wouldn’t bother to save you.

But then i am a cynic.

Not a Paramedic.