Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Daily Mail


The Daily Mail, I try hard to avoid
For The Daily Mail is an evil tabloid
Some of their headlines are scandalous
And Littlejohn’s views, ridiculous
This trashy tory comic goes beyond the pale
No, I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with The Daily Mail
As I wouldn’t want the print on my bum
and I don’t miss Nigel Dempster’s column
I find it extremely sad that this sort of shambolic journalism should prevail
But what I find even sadder, is those poor sods who believe everything they read in The Mail
Oh well…Never mind
Best be kind…to them
Even the cartoons in The Mail aren’t funny
The Daily Mail is a complete waste of money!
So instead of buying it every day
Loosen your pocket of spare change a better way
and in a moment of clarity
give to a busker or charity
Fuck you! Daily Mail

Feud for Thought


Your neighbour borrowed your lawnmower
and promised you he’d return it tomorrow
and didn’t you also lend him your Swedish porn
you need to make him wish he’d never been born
You can fix him, have no doubts
But wait, you’ve heard he’s been workin’ out
so you go and get a weapon
a baseball bat, but he’s got a gun
So you go out and get a bigger one
The fued’s in full swing, the war just begun
You dump a load of garbage outside his house
attractin’ roaches, rats and the odd mouse
He shatters your sleep pattern
with heavy metal at 3.a.m
You bang on his door, your feelings runnin’ loose
“You can keep the lawnmower…Let’s call it a truce!”



Copyright to

The wonderful Van Abbe Gallery
and even the drunks are friendly
They wave at you
not fight with you
The simply awesome neon light museum
And the brilliant P.S.V. stadium
The big park near the centre of town
Eindhoven cheers me up when I’m down
Eindhoven, Oh! Eindhoven
If you were a woman
you’d be Jennifer Aniston
Eindhoven, Oh! Eindhoven
This little corner of Holland
is nothing short of a wonderland
Eindhoven, Eindhoven, a city that thrills
Cause there’s more to the Netherlands than windmills!
Eindhoven, Eindhoven, I’ve been there twice
to come back a third time would be so nice
Eindhoven, Eindhoven
Fantastic Eindhoven
An impressive industrial town
That cheers me up when I’m feelin’ down
Eindhoven, Eindhoven
Wonderful Eindhoven!



Imagine a string of elegant pearls
round the neck of a beautiful girl
that is Cornwall for me
and so laid back and easy
The wonderful scenery
and fantastic galleries
The aroma of the pasties
Yes, Cornwall aims to please
The wonders of Mousehole, glorious St. Ives and Penzance
You could do a lot worse than give Cornwall a chance
For sheer style Cornwall could almost rival Paris
If you’re at Paddington station head for sheer bliss
It’s easy to walk tall
on the streets of Cornwall.

The Heart and Soul of Billy Joel


He’s got a “New York State Of Mind”
and a real warmth for mankind
He was the original “Piano Man”
unites people like no politician can

From the “Attila” classic “Wonder Woman”
And the “Hassles” of stardom
the relentless pursuit of freedom
When you’re in the public domain
It’s hard not to take cocaine
or drink, to try and mask your pain
But, like a “Phoenix risin’ from the flames”
Billy would wow the world once more
He’s beaten his demons before
Twice been divorced
as a matter of course

In these times of heartbreak and strife
It helps to know what matters in life
nothing beats a good pop song
gives us strength to right wrongs
And all of a sudden, a genius comes along
Billy, we salute you!

It’s “Honesty” not false modesty, that takes you places
you always gave it your all…you put smiles on faces
You took me “Further Than Heaven”
Your appeal stretches from Russia to Devon
The artwork on your album covers
moved me more than a sensual lover
An “Innocent Man”. Your last song she loves
So glad you hung up your boxing gloves…
The heart and soul
of Billy Joel…

The Fountain


The fountain stands proud in the village square
after school, you’ll find older children there…
playin’ yet
now soakin’ wet
around the fountain, the smaller children dance
A focal point, in picture postcard, rural France
Madame de Beauvoir
steps out of her “Renault” car
To photograph the fountain later that night
To the locals the fountain is a delight
Next day, a solitary English tourist
outside a cafe, a chance not to be missed
He scribbles in his notebook
a poem about the elegant fountain
Then savours what the chef has cooked
pays the bill and heads for the mountains….in his car
Monsieur Renoir, outside the Post Office, he’s 95
Over the years he has witnessed the village thrive
and of one thing he is certain
It is thanks largely to the fountain
He knew the sculptor who created it
just in time for the “47” village fete
For Monsieur Renoir, it is a reason to celebrate
He’s lived in this village all his life. The fountain was worth the wait
It’s listed in the travel guide
Brings tourists in from far and wide
No wonder the villagers love the fountain
It’s put the village on the map, no doubtin’…

One More Cup of Coffee


Bob Dylan is a man who sings
about real people and real things
In the 60s he was at his peak
In the 70s he wrote “Mozambique”
Bob Dylan sings about real things and real people
I can’t get enough of “Desire” and “Street Legal”
The man from Minnesota
is an innovator
I must admit, I don’t even know where Minnesota is
I just know that Bob Dylan or Robert Zimmerman is the business
Bob Dylan is a man who always puts his heart and his soul…
into his songs. Cause reachin’ out to the masses is his goal
Bob Dylan is a man who sings
about real people and real things
Who knows, there may be the next Dylan
waitin’ patiently in the wings
Biding his time
Writin’ songs, sublime
Cause Bob Dylan, he will die one day
But his songs, they won’t go away…Bob Dylan, Bob Dylan…

The ASDA Checkout Girl


The “ASDA” checkout girl
has got my head in a whirl
I’d like to buy her a string of pearls
But I’ll have to get her a CD instead
How I would love her next to me, in my bed!

Yet another basket load…
of items, one more bar code
Then she bags it up
She must be fed up
‘Though she doesn’t show it
The same ol’ routine, don’t you just know it

As for me, I’d show her the exciting life
We’d travel the world, then I’d take her as my wife
“ASDA” checkout girl, your job may be a bore
But your defiant smiling manner, I adore
and I really couldn’t love you anymore
The “ASDA” checkout girl
has got my head in a whirl.

Here in Italy


In a gallery
somewhere in Italy
But you can’t afford a “canaletto”
Have to make do with a “Cornetto!”
Here we are in Italy
So many sights to see
You stood in awe of the architecture
You’re an Essex girl, not used to culture!

A penny in the fountain, make a wish
He’ll settle for the pasta dish…
in the restaurant ’round the corner
Bloody pricey! Still, the guidebook did warn ya

A visit to the “San Siro” is next on his list
A train to a vinyard – a chance to get pissed!
The Italian experience he wouldn’t have missed…
for all the tea in China!
And what could be finer
than the view of Tuscany
from the window of your B and B

Here in Italy, he and his girl have parted
She found someone else and he’s not broken hearted
For in the bars in Pisa the fun’s just started
She’s got her “Casanova”
a waiter from Genoa
He’s got a local babe, but nursin’ a hangover!
They walked past the Leaning Tower
He stopped off to buy her a bunch of flowers
Outside a shoe shop, she posed for a picture
and the delightful freshly baked “focaccia”
He bought 3 loaves…

In the square, a bee stung her on the nose
The sun gave way to rain, their soakin’ wet clothes
But they can always dry off
Yes, it’s hard to be pissed off
when you’ve had such a great time…
not to come back here would be a crime

As they wait for the plane to London Heathrow
with their designer suitcases in tow
In his bag, half a dozen mementos
not so tacky souvenirs
An “A.C Milan” shirt and a few nice beers!
So all that’s left to say really…is arrivederci, Italy!