Monthly Archives: July 2013

Whatever Happened to Dickie Davies?

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Television programme : ITV 50 : 50 years of World of Sport.  ITV

Whatever happened to Dickie Davies?
He was on “World Of Sport” in the ’80s
Then he faded into obscurity
will we ever see his like again on TV?
He was in our living rooms for a while
His charisma and unique brand of style
Camel coat and Kipper ties
Some, no doubt, did despise…him
for, he looked like a secondhand car salesman
If he’s not already dead he must be an old man
playing Scrabble somewhere
in his house or in care
Dickie Davies you brightened
up my otherwise dull weekends
If you are still alive I hope you are happy not sad
Now I don’t watch the gogglebox – For it drives me mad!
Dickie Davies…You are a legend

Swindon Seems Alien to Me

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Pinehurst

I met a bloke in Swindon. He was of mixed race
His genes all over outer space
His father was Martian…He once claimed
His mother: French. They met by the Seine
I’m inclined to believe him, for he was small and green
and had a Parisian accent, 2 heads and 3 spleens!
I bought him a present for his 25th birthday
A Michel Le Grand CD, Mars bar, Galaxy and a Milky Way
He was rather pissed off…For, his Pinehurst flat had rising damp
and he missed his cousin’s wedding ‘cause his U.F.O. was clamped!

The Funny Farm

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funnyfarmcomic

The Funny Farm, The Funny Farm
Play by the rules and you’ll come to no harm
Kick off and things could get complicated
An extended stay and heavily sedated
I escaped the asylum once and went to Holland
Of the Funny Farm…I can’t say I’m fond
Whoever coined that phrase must have been taking the piss
The food has improved, the nurses, no longer rude…..But that life I shall not miss
Being bored
on filthy wards
The Funny Farm, The Funny Farm…

The Bay of Biscay

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bayofbiscay

I flew to Bilbao once…I’d like to go there on a ship
Relaxing in the ferry cabin eating mushy peas and chips
Or chatting to a Basque girl for an hour
then invite her to join me in the shower
Then when the ferry docks
and opportunity knocks….
2 tickets to see a victory for Athletic Bilbao Football team
Then a coach to San Sebastian. Just the two of us sharing an ice cream
But the Bay of Biscay
feels like a million miles away
Cause I’m broke
and that’s no joke
The Bay of Biscay, The Bay of Biscay
I’d even take Bilbao on a rainy day
It knocks spots off the East End
Many a pleasant hour there, I would spend
The Bay of Biscay…

Desert Detectives

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camel

Once upon a time
a quite horrendous crime
committed in Algeria
The body dumped in the Sahara
The Desert Detectives, John, Bill and Ray
were on to the case right away
They interviewed some sheikhs in a Bedouin tent
But nothing they had to say was at all relevant
Although one of them said, “Try over there”
“There’s a camel drinking in the market square”
So the 3 of them went for a walk
and approached Raphael, the camel who can talk
“Raphael! We’re looking for a killer, Can you help us?”
Raphael replied “I’ll do all I can to help bring him to justice”
“It happened 5 years ago-How’s your memory?”
“Pretty good,” said Raphael “Now let me see”
“The victim’s photo I will never ever forget”
“I last saw him in a rolled up carpet”
“Your killer, he was a traveller-I couldn’t at first place his accent”
“Then as he dumped the body-It occurred to me…He was of Tunisian descent”
Raphael had another drink then said, “As I recall”
“He wore thick-rimmed glasses and was extremely tall”
So they rode on the back of The Ship Of The Desert to Algiers
Then boarded a train to Tunis…There they were enjoying a few beers
Asking a few locals in the bar down town…Soon they had a lead
They interrupted a smoke filled gambling den…Soon they would succeed
in their mission to bring the killer in
They spotted him in the corner drinking gin
So there you have it, the Desert Detectives tale
and their friend the talking camel Raphael
That helped put a killer in jail
The Desert Detectives: They never fail!

Learn to Love the Taxman

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Learn to love the taxman…Learn to love the taxman
Learn to love the taxman…Not Tory fools who’d like to stick him in a cage!
Learn to love the taxman…For he looks after you in your old age
Don’t admire the skill of tax evaders or promote them to the status of heroes
The rich man bleeding for his cause…The likes of Lionel Messi are zeroes
The taxman is our friend
You’ll thank him in the end
Don’t dream of living in Delaware
or Monaco, for you’re no better off there
I’ve always paid loads of V.A.T but I don’t complain
’cause to whinge about the taxman is borderline insane
But tax must be fair
the taxman must be shown to care
So the poor should pay less tax and the rich should pay more
Call it socialism if you like but that should be the law
Little girl, little boy, the cinema that you enjoy…The taxman you have to thank
Remember the taxman’s not evil…Direct your wrath towards the greedy banks!
And the corrupt politicians
who promise much but never listen
If you’re gonna have an enemy in this world make sure it’s the right one
So don’t attack the taxman with clenched fist a machete or a gun
‘Cause after all you’re only heading for a long stay in prison
The taxman is our friend
on him you can always depend
The taxman gets you things – The things you like
The local gym where you lose pounds on the exercise bike
The Art Gallery
The Library
The hospital, the school
The taxman is cool
Chill out, have a beer and relax
The taxman is our friend …without him we’d be up shit creek!
The taxman is our friend, I’d like to plant a kiss on his cheek
and invite him to my 50th birthday party…There I’ve said it
Have a slice of cake on me for all that great tax credit!