Untitled Poem



A strange kind of sickness has come over me
It must be…love
I feel sudden urges to write poetry
It must be…love
When she takes down her posters of Man.U
And replaces them all with photos of you
It must be…love
I’ve been seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses
Hardly noticing as another week passes
It must be…love
The other day I popped out and bought her flowers
Then we chatted on the telephone for hours
It must be…love
Friday, in the front row of the cinema
I grabbed her and started removing her bra
It must be lust!

The Retro Shop (Cheshire Street)



If you’ve had enough of that chaotic Oxford St scene
You could make a stop at The Retro Shop, Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green
In the Retro shop they have it all
From designer denim shirt to table football
The Retro Shop, Cheshire Street, Bethnal Green, I am impressed
Dig the trilbys and the all-American basketball vest
The popular magazines, this place will sure blow your mind
Unless of course, you’re the nostalgia hating kind
Bargain hunting is such fun
And retro shops are second to none
The Retro shop, Cheshire Street
The Retro shop, Cheshire Street

Spread a Little Happiness



Spread a little happiness. Spread a little joy
Make this world a better place for every girl and boy
Rich man give some of your money away
Forget your needs. Do a good deed today
Tell a stranger a joke
Buy your best friend a “Coke”
Israeli soldier lay down your gun
and hug a Palestinian
If that dog annoys you don’t kick him in the head!
Pat him and throw him a bone instead
Cause a dog is man’s best friend
His loyalty knows no end

Spread a little happiness. Ease a lil pain
Give that girl your brolly in the pouring rain
Reach out to the sick. Reach out to the blind
The warmth you get back from them will blow your mind!
Spread a little happiness. Be man–kind
Spread a little happiness. Spread a little cheer
Gung hay fat choy or “Happy New Year”

Lady Luck



Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
I could use a change of fortune, see
Lady Luck smile on me, ‘cause I have been a good boy
Lady Luck send some good fortune for me to enjoy
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck roll your dice
2 sixes would be nice
On the Roulette wheel of life it would be nice if I could win
Lady Luck you can make nice things start happenin’…for me
All my life felt I was jinxed
But then I don’t know what Lady Luck thinks
Maybe she’s got somethin’ nice in store for me
Lady Luck won’t you smile down on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me
Lady Luck won’t you smile on me
Lady Luck lay your style on me

Why Not? (Manhattan Carnival)



“Gloria”, “Walk In Love”, “Java Jive” and “Scotch and Soda”
Has there ever been a vocal group like The Manhattan Transfer?
“On A little Street In Singapore”
And the all time classic “Chanson D’amour”
“Another Night In Tunisia”
“Smile Again” and “Stomp Of King Porter”
“Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square”
“Don’t Let Go”, “Je Voulais Te Dire”
Fantastic songs
They linger long…in the memory
Their unique harmony
will entertain generations to come, like generations past
Cause one thing’s for sure quality always lasts
Long live The Manhattan Transfer!

The Girl Who Burns With Love



Her name
is Flame
In bed, she’s red hot
The charms she’s got
She burns with love–Don’t doubt her passion
You’ll find she warms up after a fashion
She’s red hot, like the Equator
To abandon her would devastate her
But she won’t be lonely for long
She’ll soon find a man to right her wrongs
You shouldn’t ever question her desire
She wants a man to extinguish her fire
The girl who burns with love
She knows love is a two-way street
not a cul-de-sac
If her, you were lucky enough to meet
you’d want her in the sack
and you’d feel like you won the lottery, Jack
Her name
is Flame
and she burns with love…

Cat Stuck Up a Tree


cat in tree

Cat stuck up a tree. Goes by the name of Marmalade
Cat stuck up a tree. Someone call the Fire Brigade
Cat stuck up a tree. Climbing up there was a whole lotta fun
’til he got stuck. Don’t worry kitty, soon have you down, son
For Marmalade, being the centre of attention was a blast
Now he’s back on terra firma. Head indoors for a bowl of milk, fast
Cat stuck up a tree
A front page story
in sleepy rural town rag
Cat stuck up a tree
for Marmalade, what a drag!

The Evil Clown



When the evil clown
hits your town…you just can’t wait
When the evil clown
hits your town…you celebrate
A chance to pig out. Eat huge burgers soaked in grease
Is it any wonder that a third of Americans are obese?
And now chronic obesity has spread to British shores
The evil clown and his nasty brand of cheap labour
And so harmful for the environment
That this clown’s so popular is a big disappointment
Ronald Macdonald, don’t wanna see your happy, smiley face
Ronald Macdonald you are an absolute fucking disgrace!

St. John’s Wood



St. John’s Wood, popular with millionaires
But for St. John’s Wood, I really do not care
There’s not even much to photograph there
Yes, life in St. John’s Wood, I just couldn’t stick it
There’s nothing to do there, unless you love cricket!
St. John’s Wood really is no good
A World Cinema would add to the neighbourhood
A good CD shop or a decent Art Gallery
You won the lottery and bought a place there…really!
You must love boredom!
St. John’s Wood
is no good

The Iberian Peninsula



I’d love to tour the Iberian Penninsula
on a train one day, take lots of good pictures
and sell them all for 50 bucks each
Spend the odd hour lying on a beach
In the grip of a depression. Can’t get no release
In the Iberian Penninsula I could find some peace
Strolling through the galleries and market stalls
Of bustling cities in Spain and Portugal
would be just great
So much better than this current state…I find myself in

The People of Zimbabwe



Open your hearts for the people of Zimbabwe
For it can’t be easy living under Mugabe
and his tyrannical reign
Inflation rocketing again
How much is a loaf of bread this week?
Life for the citizens of Zimbabwe is bleak
The developed nations cannot turn a deaf ear
Continue to ignore what is happening there
The people of Zimbabwe
We hear about your plight on our TV
I signed a petition once in The Strand
We need others out there to make a stand
With Mugabe,we need to get tough
A united effort. Enough is enough
Then the people of Zimbabwe
Will once again be free

The Land of the Rip-Off Merchants



If it was down to W.H.Smith
England would not be the land of the free
But the land of the expensive!
95p for a biro–You’re havin’ a laugh!
Their staff are not particularly friendly either
helpful or indeed knowledgeable
Maybe I’m ignorant when it comes to economics
But I simply don’t understand how…
cheaper shops with better trained staff
have gone under years ago
While W.H.Smith survive every recession
A nagging feeling that W.H.Smith will still be
ripping people off in 50 years’ time
Unless of course, there’s a nuclear war before then!
W.H.Smith, you give retail a bad name!

Tictacs, Not Tactics +



They’re trying to make a simple game complicated
With their 4–4–2s,4—5–1 or 4–3–3s
talk of “Diamond” formations and “Christmas trees”
There should be no place in “The Beautiful Game” for dull and stuffy tactics
Just stick it in the “Onion Bag” and leave the rest to the academics
Games are not won or lost on the chalkboard
All this technical bullshit just leaves me bored!
As for Tictacs, I like the green ones and the orange ones!

+ mints

A Day in The Priory



Woke up in The Priory
Nothing on TV
except horse racing and some dull black and white movie
At St. Clements no beds
So got sent here instead
In this picturesque setting
The 5 star treatment I’m getting
How privileged I am to stay in The Priory
The temporary home of many a celebrity
What can I say?
‘though only here for a day
Then get the tube to my flat in Aldgate East
I’m rather disappointed to say the least
Would have liked a longer stay
But it was great anyway
Everyone deserves luxury now and then…

(The Priory in Roehampton, South London)

Up a Lazy River



Up a lazy river with you
Sharing a pear cider or two
You topless, soakin’ in the sun
Our thoughts soon turn to adult fun
Cause I’m a man of the world
And you babe, ain’t a nun!
Floatin’ up a lazy river with you
I don’t really care where we’re headin’ to
Up a lazy river with you
Relaxed, takin’ in the view
This day I will never forget
We make short work of the picnic basket
Up a lazy river with you
Gene Vincent on Radio 2
As the sailboat heads for the river bend
Soon this glorious summer adventure will end
I’ll head back to my home and my college books
But I’ll always remember the girl with the film star looks!…

The Brylcreem Days



He recalls with fondness, the Brylcreem days
When going to a drive-in movie was the craze
With a stunning gal on his arm
He reassured her she’d come to no harm
For, she’d heard he was a wild boy
The 1950s he did enjoy
Buddy Holly and Gene Vincent at The High School Disco
He’d dance with Mary Lou, from Cleveland, Ohio
Oh! How he loved The Brylcreem days
Alas, now they’re just a blurred haze
As for Mary Lou, his red hot teenage lover
He married her and now she’s a grandmother
The Brylcreem days
The Brylcreem days…

Formula One



Those Formula One cars go so very fast
A blur at Silverstone. Damon Hill just went passed
Michael Schumacher: So good in the rain
There he is on the podium again
Drowning everyone with champagne
I used to enjoy watching the exploits of Nikki Lauda
Alain Prost, Nelson Piquet and the hilarious Murray Walker
in the 80s. But I don’t watch Formula One anymore
Cause there’s no overtaking in it now. It’s become a bore!

Van Der Valk



Van Der Valk: Fighting crime is his passion
Just a shame about that 70s fashion!
In the land of windmills
There’s enough thrills
in every episode to keep you watching
Another murderous plot unravelling
For, Van Der Valk is indeed a clever copper
Played so well by the late Barry Foster
And his sidekick, the young, enthusiastic Kroon
The murder case solved by late afternoon
Then return home to Arlette, his beautiful wife
Classical vinyl and fine home cooking…Quite a life…
Van Der Valk does lead
And he always succeeds
‘Though he ruffles a few feathers,including that,of his boss
And some of his cases perplexing,but not a dead loss
For, the persistent, cigar smoking, Van Der valk
Will always find a way to make the villains talk
Van Der Valk, Van Der Valk
A mountain of paperwork…
And a visit to the morgue, later that day,no doubt
For, this is what a Commissariss’s routine is about
Van Der Valk,i have no regrets
purchasing your boxset
Quality TV in my living room
And what’s more, a hummable theme tune!

And Now…The Weather



Zeinab Badawi, Zeinab Badawi
You brightened up dull days in the 80s
And made me forget
getting soaking wet…
3 times in one week
You were fantastic
A ray of sunshine
I wanted you to be mine
All teenage boys do, is fantasize
I guess that’s why, they’ll never be worldly wise
African Princess, I loved you to bits
If you’d been my lover I’d have let you squeeze my zits!
I’d have taken you to “Pizza Hut” in Swindon
Zeinab Badawi: A stunningly beautiful woman
I saw you on TV
only recently
I have to say, you’ve aged well
In your 50s now, but still look swell
Zeinab Badawi
Zeinab Badawi

What Love Means To Her



Miss, have you ever been in love?
Of course you have. It’s what you dream of
You build yourself Castles In The Air
When love’s around, you wish you were there
She’s been in love so many times
And to her, it’s so sublime
And not at all surreal
She likes the way it makes her feel
Love, to her, is an exotic place
Or indeed a smiling face
This is what love means to her…

Surreal Poem (Part One)



I’d like to be thrown by a bull in a rodeo
Or go back to ol’ England and visit a freak show!
I’d like to meet up with knights so bald
That’s why they wore helmets, I’m told
Fighting fire breathing dragons
at feminist conventions!
I’d like to turn blue in the freezing cold
I’d like to be still chasing skirt when I’m old
I’d like to be a cowboy in The Wild West
Chasing Red Indians, it’s what they do best
Not some cowboy plumber with tattoos and man breasts
I’d like to be a maniac. I’d like to be obsessed
I’d like to be a fly on the wall
listening in on government secrets in Whitehall
Or stay in a “Trusthouse Forte” on the middle east roadmap
Watch a Spanish league game that’s absolutely crap!
I’d like to be a fire eater or a circus clown
Or some drunken lunatic chased out of town!
Not being cruel or even unkind
But as long as it’s a Welsh town, I really wouldn’t mind
I’d like to be a bandit robbing a stagecoach
I’d like to be a sewer rat or a cockroach
Get some crummy hotel or hospital as well
Closed down for good. That would be just swell
I’d like to dine Haute Cuisine in a “Greasy Spoon”
Or run over “Mickey Mouse” in a car–toon
I’d like to take a black and white photograph
Of The Loch Ness Monster in Dagenham, for a laugh
Finally, I’d like to tap dance and fall in the sink!
Go to Hull city centre and film the missing link!

The Ballad of Moscow



(written in 2008)

Poor ol’ John Terry slipped in the rain
Down the King’s Road they felt his pain
All those yuppies crying in their beer
Dreaming they’d win it next year
Roman Abrahamovich
can’t help but feel sick
Chelsea’s Champion’s league obsession
While Man. U’s players lead a victory procession
Man. U, Man. U
We love you
Man. U, Man. U
Chelsea feeling blue

The Aliens are Coming



A fleet of UFOs fills the blue skies
While down below, people run for their lives
“Quick, hide in the barn, warn the children too”
“Phone the authorities, they’ll know what to do”
Some villagers are gathering up arms”
and moving the livestock off of their farms
to a place of safety, nearby
The armed forces arrive, with missiles in tow
A direct hit! They come crashing below

Jim’s sitting on a hill, smoking his cannabis
and wondering what to make of all this
How can we make such rash judgements already
These aliens from afar, could be friendly
The aliens are coming, followed by an unruly rabble
The aliens are coming, I wonder if they play “Scrabble!”

Ode to Eric


Eric Cantona

Just who is this Eric Cantona?
Footballer, painter and filmstar
This legend
of The Stretford End
who soared like a seagull in the air
to nod home a Giggs cross while the goalie clutched thin air
What next for the man, who kung fu kicked a “Palace” yob into row J
and had his name plastered across the tabloids the very next day
This gallic genius
wouldn’t go amiss
in any football hall of fame
At Old Trafford, they still sing his name
I’d have loved to seen Eric as a “Match Of The Day” pundit
Boring Lineker can choke on his crisps! Eric, you’ve got it (charisma, that is)
Or one day take the reins at Man.U
But the New York Cosmos job beckoned too
What next for King Eric, a “Palme d’or”
Or literary prize, Eric knows the score

Rendezvous in Dagenham



I swear the girl from Essex couldn’t be much dumber
Said she preferred Donor Kebab to Donna Summer!
And she never really cared for me anyway
She’s rather watch the “soaps” or head for St. Tropez
for a rip-off fake tan
I’d be better off with this beer can
Cause where there’s no trust
Just carnal lust…ain’t good
And her madness it never ends!
So I left her and her silly friends
and caught the bus home…

The Metropolitan Line+



Oh how I love The Metropolitan line
Goes all the way to Watford. How divine!
Not to mention Baker Street and The Barbican
Or watch England win at Wembley stadium
Yes, the purple line can’t be beat
And you can always get a seat
Be it Christmas, rush hour or pub closing time
I never knew tube travel could be so sublime
I boarded it at Aldgate sometime last year
Found a brand-new “Big Issue” and a full can of beer!

+Written several years ago

Little Boy in the Candy Store



A little boy in the candy store
Chocolate, sweets and lollipops galore
They also sell
biscuits as well
Bourbons, Garibaldi and Custard Creams
This place is a virtual palace of dreams
The white mice
looked so nice
The licorice
on the dish
Then there’s the fizzy Cola bottles and Smarties
Alas, the boy has only got a few pennies
But the kindly shopkeeper puts him at ease
“You can have an assortment for 20p!”
“And I’ll throw in a biscuit too”
“Which one, is up to you”
“And remember to tell your friends where my shop is”
“Cause you need all the help you can get, when you’re in business”
The little boy left straight away
And brought 3 of his pals ’round the next day

+ Set in the 70s

The Brainy Chick



You’ve read Alexander Dumas
And you’ve been to The Sorbonne
I have to say brainy chicks
don’t usually turn me on
But there’s something about you
Can’t get you out of my head
You’ve never given me reason to doubt you
And I’d like you in my bed
You can speak 7 different languages, including Cantonese
You’re a high powered lawyer representing refugees
Now, I know our half-baked immigration policy is a mess
But to be honest babe, I like you best when you’re under duress
It brings out the best in you
You’re looking to release all that nervous tension
Come back to my place is my suggestion
I’ll put a Motown record on
Heavy Metal or Elton John
You’re such a brainy chick…’Fraid i can’t compete
I need to win a “Scrabble” league….Cause you got me beat
Then before I know it, I’ll be on “Easy Street”
French girl, Oh! French girl, you’ve made my life complete
As Deborah Harry would say
How about some French kissing in the U.K
OK, she actually said the U.S.A
But I don’t live in Boston…And poetic license goes a long way

Le Corbusier



Le Corbusier, Le Corbusier
Your creations make us stand and stare
Le Corbusier, Le Corbusier
Quite the innovator
Raoul La Roche, chairman of Credit de Commercial de France
Wasn’t going to leave the creation of his home to chance
What you would have come up with…He must have eagerly anticipated
And he must have been so very proud and thrilled with what you created
And Le Corbusier, Le Corbusier, I said, Le Corbusier
What about your parliament building in Chandigargh, India
Your Japanese art gallery in Tokyo blew us away
And then there’s Unite D’habitation down in the heart of Marseille
The Cite De Refuge was another jewel too
Le Corbusier…We all remember you!

Japanese Girl



Japanese girl. Oh! Japanese girl
You’re so pretty with your hair in curls
You grow Bonsai trees
And write poetry
You’re a sculptor as well
Japanese girl,you sure are swell
You’re my “Woman From Tokyo”+
Happy reading “Dickens” or playing “Nintendo”
You cook me Noodles and Tofu
Japanese girl, I love you
Japanese girl, ‘though only twenty
You’ve experienced plenty
Wise beyond your years
Let’s share a beer
We can always watch a “Godzilla” movie
The two of us ride down to Brighton on your Suzuki
Japanese girl. Oh! Japanese girl
You gatecrashed my world
But you won’t ever hear me complaining
And I’ll lend you my brolly when it’s raining
Japanese girl, you say you’re bisexual
Well, I’m up for a threesome
Cause whatever they say about you girl
I think you’re awesome!
Japanese girl, you come from the land of Cherry Blossom
I like to rest my head on your ample bosom
Japanese girl, take me to the “Land Of The Rising Sun”
We can lose ourselves for an hour in a Japanese garden
Japanese girl, I created a home for you
And a place in my heart, ’cause I do adore you…
+ “Woman From Tokyo” is a song by Deep Purple

Dan and Jill



They were at a crossroads…And I don’t mean the motel
Him, tired by his workload, her, gone into her shell
He tried hard to breathe some life
into the comatose state of his wife
He said “I love you!”, tried to keep a straight face
She said “I don’t think now is the time or the place!”
“Why don’t we have sex again and again!?”
She said “No thanks, I’ve got a migraine!”
“How about Paris in the spring?”
She said “What if it rains?”
“The weather shouldn’t affect anything”
“I’ve gone to great pains”
“Maybe we could go into town and see a movie”
“As long as it’s not a thriller, horror, romance or comedy”
“I went to Ann Summers and bought you a pair of suspenders”
“Or we could laugh at the acting in Eastenders…
over a bowl of Prawn Crackers!”
She said, “We did that last week”
He scratched his head and said
“I know, let’s do something we’ll both enjoy”
So they did the washing up!

The Amalfi Coast



I could enjoy strawberry jam on toast
In a hotel on The Amalfi Coast
Dean Martin sang “In Napoli”
If I went there I would feel free
As free as a bird
I’d be lost for words
As I gazed out on the splendid scenery
Then later take in a gallery
And sample Italian cuisine
It’s good enough for me…If it’s good enough for Dean
Lie on a beach on a sunny day
Take photographs of Ol’ Pompeii
Italy is the country, I dream of the most
Wandering down side streets on The Amalfi Coast
I could move around Naples unnoticed, like a ghost
Revelling in the culture of The Amalfi Coast
“In Napoli” Dean Martin sang with much gusto
Maybe take a train down to Sorrento
The Amalfi Coast
I’m sure has much to boast…about
“In Napoli”
“In Napoli”

Tatie Danielle


Screen Shot 2013-12-02 at 12.21.10 PM

What can you possibly say about Tatie Danielle?
If she met you for the first time she’d tell you to go to Hell!
She’s a rude and cantankerous old granny
Friends, I’m afraid she hasn’t got any
And she drives her family
close to insanity
with her unreasonable demands
No one, it seems, Tatie Danielle can stand
Then one day this obnoxious old lady
meets her match in the family’s young nanny
To Tatie ‘though, the young nanny is warming
And Tatie, reluctant maybe, can see a friendship forming
A refreshing comedy, is Tatie Danielle
With excellent performances as well
A film to put a smile on your face
In my DVD cabinet, it takes pride of place
“Tatie Danielle”
sure is swell!

His Friend, Jane (And Her Great Dane)



Paul had a beautiful friend called Jane
Who had a Great Dane
Paul had to conquer
his dog phobia
to get closer to Jane
and learn to love Oscar, The Great Dane
When The Great Dane stared at him it filled him with dread!
And he didn’t like the fact Oscar slept on the bed…
when he was in it with Jane
‘Though he didn’t complain
And he was slightly bothered
by all the slobber!
For Christmas he bought Jane a mobile phone
And for Oscar The Great Dane, a juicy bone!
In the park on Sunday mornings
They would often go walking
Oscar dragging Jane behind him all the way through the park!
A stranger fell off his bicycle, when Oscar, at him, did bark!
Then Oscar did encounter another stranger’s Irish Wolf Hound
A fight ensued. It dragged poor Oscar into the ground
With the Wolf Hound’s owner, Jane was pleading
As Oscar lay on the ground bleeding
Oscar died
Jane she cried…For days
She kept the toys with which Oscar used to play
And his blanket too.
Now, Jane is still beautiful
and wonderful
But in sex, she’s lost interest
She just sits in the corner getting depressed
So for her birthday Paul bought her a Great Dane
And now Jane can laugh at the world again
Fitting, that this story has a nice climax
Paul living in harmony with Jane and Max!

The Magician



To beat the magician, you try
But the hand is quicker than the eye
What a neat card trick
His show is fantastic!
He can saw a woman in half or pull a rabbit from a hat
He captivates his audience…But won’t just leave it at that
He takes it to the next level…He’s the master of illusion
He’ll leave you scratching your head in confusion
How on earth does he do it?
He won’t reveal his secrets
Cause he swore an oath when he joined The Magic Circle…

6 Stabs and a Kick in the Head



6 stabs and a kick in the head
What was it that made him see red?!
To some, violence is exciting
To me, it is plain revolting
I sometimes wonder–What could be to blame?
Cheap booze, Hollywood movies or video games
6 stabs and a kick in the head!
By the time the ambulance got there the Asian was dead!
These thugs should answer for their crimes
Send them to prison for an awfully long time!

Letter to Nigel



Nigel, are you enjoying life in the States?
Are you going to jazz clubs, staying out late?
I wonder, have you finished writing your first novel yet?
It’s a year since you left England. Do you have any regrets?
Have you met a nice girl and settled down?
Life seems dull without you in Swindon Town
Nigel are you contented or at least satisfied?
To write to you more often, I have tried
But I’ve been so busy
So please forgive me
Nigel, your friends Julie, Alan and John say hi!
Nigel, it’s time I signed off…So goodbye!
P.S But don’t worry, in a month or so
I’ll be on a jet plane to see you in Chicago
Not to pay you a visit would be a crime
Cause after all, we’ve been friends a long time

Life in a Big Country



In America, everything is big
Big motorbikes, cars and trucks
Driving down big roads and costing big bucks
Big houses with big garages and big lawns
Big fields growing bumper crops of wheat, maize and corn
Big prisons
Big neon
Big billboards, big buildings
In big cities, do you get the feeling
that in America everything’s got to be big and impressive
From the big portions in the restaurants
Of which there is a big variety
To the big problem of obesity
A blight on American society
Big selection of channels for TV
Big egos in Hollywood commanding big salaries
Big deserts and big prairies…Big forests, mountains and lakes
Home to big bears. America’s sure got what it takes
Big opportunities for America’s sports stars
Big buxom ladies bursting out of big bras
Big art by people like Warhol, Pollack and Lichenstein
Big multiplexes full of people having a good time
Big shopping malls
Big waterfalls
Texan men with their ten gallon hats
Big universities and big laundromats
Big population
Big nation
Big theme parks, big zoos, big airports
Big and varied range of public transport
Big industries, big conglomerates
Big phone networks charging big rates
Big banks, big tanks
Big sofas and big beds
Big nuclear warheads
Big and thriving music scene
Big selection of magazines
Newspapers, comics and books
America’s huge. Won’t you take a look
Yes sir, in America if it ain’t big it don’t count for much

Quality Time



We can always share a peach
Or make love on the beach
Go dancing in the rain
Take a boat across the Seine
Go to Italy. Eat lots of spaghetti
Watch the sunset over the Serengeti
Or just stay home

We can listen to ABBA or Chopin
Go outside and get a suntan
Watch a movie or a football game
But whatever we decide to do
It’ll be quality time if it’s spent with you…

One in a Million


Screen Shot 2013-12-02 at 11.52.38 AM

She never follows trends or fashion
Everything she does she does with passion
She speaks so beautifully
Like Wordsworth, Keats or Shelley
She’s always at ease be it Rotherham or Rome
Listening to Mozart or watching Brentford at home
She oozes class, elegance and style
She can win you over with her smile
To fall madly in love with her, is hardly a crime
What I wouldn’t give for just 10 minutes of her time
She’s one in a million…

Diamond Geezer



“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
“The American Popular Song goes on and on”
And Neil would know all about that
To the Diamond geezer, I take off my hat
For his
truly is…”A Beautiful Noise”
He appeals to girls and boys
The Diamond geezer
“A Jazz Singer”
is the Diamond geezer
The Jewish boy who hails from Brooklyn, New York
“Money talks, but it can’t sing and dance and it can’t walk”
The Diamond Geezer
is “Forever…In blue jeans”

Fatman Went Robbin’


pizza burglary

Fatman robbed the chip shop. The chip shop owner Suzy…
was shortsighted. Mistook his water pistol for an Uzi
Fatman robbed the pizza place
so that he could stuff his face
The staff said “Fatman, you’re a fucking disgrace!”
“But you’re welcome to our profits”
“‘Though what we make in a week’s not worth it”
Then fatman robbed the K.F.C.
But was caught red handed scoffin’
Armed police, they gunned him down
And now he’s in a coffin!




Jim’s mother dropped him on his head as a baby
Which explains away Jim’s apparent madness, maybe
Jim lived all alone in a house on the M1!
To some, that’s dangerous. To Jim it was fun!
But Jim’s madness didn’t end there
He would go shopping in his underwear
And at night he’d climb into a freezing cold bath
And would go to work on the back of a giraffe
He worked in a bank and would give wads of cash away
His employment terminated after just a day
All sorts of crazy ideas swam around his head
One day, for a joke, he painted his torso bright red
Medication had little or no effect on him
For he was too far gone, was our Jim
But Jim was glad
that he was mad
For, he’d watch the news “If that’s reality!” he said
“I’d rather take my chances with my insanity instead!”
So there you have it, the story of Jim
In a way, it’s a shame there aren’t more like him
For, although he is an utter basket case
He makes the world a more colourful place!




Amanda Burton is the thinking man’s crumpet!
And a great actress, let’s not forget
What a woman
is Amanda Burton
Shame there aren’t more like her…
Amanda, if you and I were lovers…
in my wildest dreams
Snogging by an Oxford stream
Amanda Burton, Amanda Burton
Such glamour on our television’s
Your presence itself, would be well worth the license fee
Amanda Burton, on the eye, you are easy
Amanda Burton, what a woman. She is red hot
If she was mine I’d take her to “Ronnie Scott’s”
Amanda Burton, I love you

The Winter of Discontent



A time when the unions held the country to ransom
And gave the Tories the excuse to bang their drum
The Winter Of Discontent
I was just a boy but I knew what it meant
The Winter Of Discontent
saw the end of the labour government
The worst thing ’bout that time, it spawned the monster
And we’re still paying for the crimes of Maggie Thatcher!
Broken Britain, won’t you take a look
A period best consigned to the history books
The Winter Of Discontent
The Winter Of Discontent…

Broken World



It’s a broken world
Our children’s shattered dreams
It’s a broken world
Our children’s shattered dreams
What have we done to this world we live in?
It was so beautiful in the beginnin’
What have we done to this world we live in?
It was so magical in the beginnin’
Broken world, like a fractured skull
Broken world, like a fractured skull
The broken promises of our leaders
The broken promises of our leaders
Broken world, like a smashed window
Broken world, like a brick through a window
It’s a broken world
It’s a broken world
“Everything is broken”
Sang Bob Dylan